Look out, everybody, 'cause its another surfin' daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawg

We do like a groooown man do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving just five hours of her 30-day sentence. Well, that should teach her.

Feminist media-monger, Gloria Allred, claims to represent the fourth woman accusing Herman Cain of sexual harassment. One more sexual harassment accuser and Cain will tie Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Jersey Shore” Snooki is promoting her second book while writing her third. This from a woman who thinks an onomatopoeia is a bladder infection.

Have you seen the McDonalds commercial where the guy is about to go on his honeymoon, but freaks out he will miss the limited offering of McRib sandwiches? Let me tell you something, if you’re more excited about a sandwich than your honeymoon? You have more problems than missing the McRib. You probably married someone of the wrong sex.

Kim Kardashian’s mom, Kris Jenner, apologized to Native Americans for calling Kris Humphries an Indian giver for demanding back the engagement ring. Thus the mystery of where Kim gets her moron genes has ended.

The results of the New York Marathon were shockingly different between the men and women. For the men it was Kenyan, a Kenyan and an Ethiopian. For the woman, however, it was an Ethiopian, an Ethiopian and then a Kenyan.

Following the 72-day divorce after her $11 mil wedding, public sentiment against Kim Kardashian has turned ugly. Kim’s popularity has fallen so far, Rick Perry feels sorry for her.

The New York City marathon was this weekend and they had over 2,000 portable toilets for 40,000 runners. So that’s a total of 4,000 toilets if you count the subway platforms.

Marketing experts say Kim Kardashian’s drop in popularity following her heartless 72-day divorce could destroy her reality TV career. That’s fine, because Kim could then fall back on her skills as a, well, she studied to be a, she’s always had a knack for . . . oh, she’s so screwed.

Afghanistan opened its first bowling alley; I think its called the Kabul Kaboom and Bowl. They have a video game room: the al Qaeda Arcade. Fun games like Hammer the Pop-Up-Infidels, Drive the Camel Through the Mine Field, Hiding Osama and Oppress the Lowly Female.

In Florida, a man urinated on a bank deposit tube. He became angry when the clerk told him his assets were not liquid.

That Oklahoma earthquake was bad. In Oklahoma City it knocked an Occupy Protester in bed with a Tea Party Conservative.


Let’s play a new fun and rousing game of

Things Lex Does Not Understand

How a woman can look at a hot, naked woman, and not get aroused?

How certain rock stars smoke, do drugs and drink Jack Daniels all day and still have ripped abs?

How a ski mountain as massive as Mammoth Mountain can be covered in fresh powder in the morning and end up with all the runs trampled by lunch?

How shops that sell cards, potpourri and useless trinkets stays in business?

What thrill skateboarders derive from being such dicks?

How aircraft carriers stay afloat? That is a lot of metal.

Why Jim Belushi has a thriving career?

Why Starbucks – and formerly Blockbuster – clerks are so snotty?

Why the person in a store with the worst public speaking skills is chosen to “call” out the orders when they’re ready.

How women can remove a bra from under their t-shirt?

How baseball pitchers can spit so much without getting horribly thirsty?

How mothers and their evil spawn can block entire grocery store aisles and not care at all?

How bartenders can perform so many menial tasks without making eye-contact with somehow who has been standing at the bar for quite a spell?

How teenagers can send hundreds of texts a day?

Why my brilliant straight-A+-student 13-year-old daughter cannot answer a ringing phone, put on shoes, put food away or climb into my car without knocking over my coffee with her backpack.

How my dog, Wrigley, is smart enough to love us unconditionally, endlessly mourn Kasey, interpret our moods, appreciate and give affection, but has no idea that, A, he has a tail and that, B, when it wags it knocks full wine glasses over.

And I will never, ever, comprehend, how my lovely wife, Virginia, when I am making dinner and it is go-time, i.e., everything is about to be finished at the same time, will instinctively know exactly where to stand so she is completely and utterly in my way.