Thursday, July 21, 2011

You'll understand why later

True dat, true dat, true dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The latest story on Michelle Bachmann is she suffers from debilitating migraines. The headaches range from mild, to disconcerting to the really bad ones that render her almost Sarah Palin-like

Michelle Bachmann said her migraines would not impair her ability to be President. You know what would impair her ability to be President? The election.

Michelle Bachmann’s husband, Marcus, claims he can counsel guys from being gay. Have you heard this guy? Physician heal thyself. He sounds like Adam Lambert’s dance choreographer. .

Michelle Bachmann’s husband, Marcus, claims he can counsel guys from being gay. Have you heard this Marcus guy talk? He sets off more gaydar than the San Francisco men’s choir.

Have you heard this Marcus guy talk? He makes Richard Simmons sound like Hulk Hogan.

Al Qaeda’s new leader, Ayman Zawahiri, has been described as far less popular and less-likeable than Osama bin Laden. If you’re less likeable than a guy whose death triggered wild celebrations by hundreds of millions? You may need work on your people skills.

Since you asked:
It has taken ten days, but I am starting to be able to tell Kasey stories with a smile. One of my favorites was Kasey's later day Miracle at the Mormon Church.

Bless her soul, Kasey was really only sick for a day and a half of her entire life. The half day was when we were on a run and she got stung by a bee and she had an anaphylactic shock reaction. Her throat swelled up and her breath was rasping. Picked her up and stood in the street of Del Mar Heights and stopped the first car that came by.

Poor guy had a 225 sweaty guy with his apparently dying dog in his brand new Mercedes with leather seats, but he was a doctor, he called ahead to the vet to have an antihistamine shot ready. In a half an hour, Kasey was fine. Thanks to him, we actually saved Kasey’s life.

The other time was even more scary. Kasey was moping around. When I petted her stomach, she yelped repeatedly. This is a dog who only yelped once in her life and that was when a nasty cattle dog bit a hole through her ear at dog beach in Del Mar. With blood running down her neck, she still wanted me to throw her Frisbee in the ocean.

It was about midnight on Friday night when I drove Kasey to the Helen Woodward Emergency Vet Clinic for her stomach ache. A nice guy took her x-rays and told me there was nothing to worry about. Yes, Kasey had a nasty gas build up and she ate a lot of something that did not agree with her, but it would pass. Sure enough, a few antacids later, Kasey was her old self.

On Sunday we leashed up Kasey and put the-then-toddler Ann Caroline in her stroller for a nice family brunch of lox and bagels on the tables outside the bagel shop on a beautiful spring day. As we passed in front of the Mormon Church on the way, Kasey went into her pooping stagger on their grass. Dutifully, I took out a plastic bag and then saw Virginia laughing with her hand over her mouth and pointing at Kasey’s furry butt.

Sure enough, Kasey’s last, um, deposit seemed to be dangling in mid air. Closer inspection revealed it was dangling from a string. A green string.

In between gasping for breath due to hysterical laughter, Virginia instructed me;

“Pull it out.”

“You pull it out,” was my reply.

As luck would have it, I had extra plastic bags and put them on my hands like surgical gloves and prepared to pull Kasey’s string.

It came out a foot, then two feet, no, three, four feet of nasty, poop-covered green string. Virginia was now lying on the sidewalk prone and paralyzed with laughter. At the time, I didn’t think it was so funny.

Six, seven eight, nine, ten feet of the most knotted and poo-smeared green string. And Kasey was not happy about this as she was whining. Apparently it hurts having string pulled out of your butt. Hopefully you didn’t already know that.

All told it turned out Kasey had eaten - and I had to extract in front of god and the Mormon Church - thirty-odd feet of dental floss. We later found the chewed-open plastic container under the bed. It was mint flavored so she ate the whole thing, apparently unable to chew it and cut it, so she swallowed it all.

Thus it was known forever as Kasey’s later day Miracle at the Mormon Church.