We all retro with our hetro up in this metro, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Victoria’s Secret has unveiled a $2 million dollar bra that is encrusted with diamonds, topaz and sapphires. Personally, I just couldn’t get excited about any underwear described as encrusted.

According to a new poll, New York City gets low marks for friendliness; even the Times Square hookers charge an extra $100 just for a modicum of sarcastic geniality.

The latest annoying trend in parenting is giving kids non-gender-specific, unusual names like Kason, Braylon, Zane and Ware. Why not just name your kid: My- Parents-are-Pretentious-Jack Wagons?

Seriously, parents, if you name your boy Tarlence, just go ahead and buy him a turtle and find a therapist well-versed in helping bullied kids.

“Sports Illustrated” revealed the New York Jets have begun fining QB Mark Sanchez every time he exhibits poor body language during practice. Somewhere in football heaven, Johnny Unitas just threw up in his mouth.

Charlie Sheen told “Extra” that his naked hotel suite thrashing with a porn star was just a bad night. And here I thought a bad night was when your wife turns off the game and says; “Why don’t we talk for a change?”

A new study reveals 1-10 kids have ADHD. Personally, I think that ratio is way higher with comedy writers because, wow, oh look, a puppy. What was I talking about?


A woman in New Jersey would slam on her brakes on the highway and then call police and report the driver in back of her for tailgating and harassing her. She did this 22 times and was finally arrested. Or as we drivers in Los Angeles call that: not getting shot at.

A Pennsylvania man faces drug charges after he lit a joint in the hospital waiting room while his wife was delivering their baby; in his defense it was medical marijuana. He got it to combat his terminal case of stupidity.

The cruise ship, Carnival Splendor, had to be towed into San Diego. It is an incredibly huge and expensive monstrosity that lost all power and was rendered utterly useless. So today they renamed it the Dallas Cowboys.

A sex shop in Alabama features a drive-through window. This is perfect for the busy person who needs their dildo to go. Just be sure to ask them to supersize it.

Apple has opened a store in China. These are the first computers to be made by children out of lead and powered by burning coal.


Since you asked:

So this morning, fresh after the second night of watching “Stand Up Surfing Hawaiian Style, Vol. 2, Advanced” I was all fired up to go surfing. Get up early, put on my surfing shorts then I go to make coffee and the cold water hits my hand from the sink. Suddenly I realize, A, how cold it is in the house, B, how much colder it is outside, C, how cold I am and, D, how cold the water is going to be. At the same time it hits me how warm and soft my blankets on my bed are.

Think we all know what happened next.

That is quite a transition from intending to plunge headlong into dark, cold, shark-and-other-harmful-critters-inhabited waters with powerful loud waves crashing over rocks and reefs, to weaseling back into a nice cozy bed for a tasty snooze.

Last nicht, I snuck out to catch the Ravens/Falcons game at a bar because our cable company doesn’t get the NFL channel. Ended up at the hip “Skybar-wannabe” bar, Arterra, at the Del Mar Marriot. After perusing the bar fare menu, I asked the bartender what was best. He glowed about the steak salad. That didn’t sound great to me. My brain pictured scraps of over-done meat hidden in a pile of romaine lettuce. But he was a nice guy, so I ordered it.

Oh my word. Out comes a plate with the prettiest row of ¼ inch slices of medium rare juicy flatiron steak you’ve ever seen drizzled in a zingy mustard/horseradish/mayo sauce with two pieces of pita bread with the parmesan cheese toasted into it, a brick of the tastiest avocado, red and green diced peppers, blue cheese, chopped lettuce and bacon salad topped with scrumptious lightly battered golden-brown onion rings.

It was so good it almost made me forget I didn’t start Falcon receiver Roddy White on my fantasy team. Last night he only had as many points as my entire team had last week, 26. Frickin’ CBS fantasy information had him possibly out with an injury.

Hey, I just noticed I haven’t done a rant on the Eagles, Stones or Laurel Canyon/Sunset Blvd, 1967-76 music scene, Tiger Woods, or bad Carmel Valley drivers for a while.

You’re welcome.