Monday, November 08, 2010

La Jolla Shores, scene of Sunday's crime

Yeah, it was like this except the board was closer and the fins were directed at my face

We got the stink and the stank and the drink and the drank on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was hot last week, I was sweating like Lindsay Lohan waiting for her check to rehab to clear.

In the Delaware Senate race, Christine O’Donnell lost badly to Chris Coons; It is ironic that Christine O’Donnell is such an abstinence supporter because, politically, she is totally screwed.

Charlie Sheen is getting a divorce from his third wife, Brook Mueller. They decided they wanted to see other insane people.

Hey, how come all the politicians commercials and automatic phone calls have suddenly stopped? They said they cared about me. I suddenly feel like those politicians only cared about my vote.

The Tennessee Titans picked up controversial Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss. Moss has already caused problems for the Titans, today he held a press conference and announced it was good to be traded from the Vikes to the Tits.

MSNBC had a clip of a guy driving on a highway while reading a book also reading a Kindle and talking on his handheld cell phone. The titles of the two books he was reading? “Being a Douche-bag For Dummies” and “Chicken Soup for the Soulless Moron.”

The Tennessee Titans picked up controversial Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss. Good fit, Moss is such a boob he’ll put the T.I.T. in Titans.

Could you believe how awful those political commercials were? I’m telling you right now, if Flo the Progressive Insurance lady ever runs for office, I am going to kill myself.

Since you asked:
What a great Sunday. A.C. scored a goal and her team had a big win and then I went SUP surfing at La Jolla Shores. Beautiful day, fall blustery, but wind-choppy. Good waves in sets of three 10 minutes apart.

Finally a woman/comedian kayak leader mother-ducking a group of tourists makes a smart-ass comment about stand up paddle boarders having rabies so they have to stay away. Then I make a crack about kayakers screaming at harmless leopard sharks and she laughs. So then I go for a wave and miss it underneath and she gives me some good-natured flack, but now it is on.

With about twenty tourist kayakers watching, I pick a good wave, paddle like crazy, catch it, go left, drop down and I am just about to ride the white water when I get munched. The wave breaks over me, my arm jams on the bottom and I totally wrench my shoulder so I couldn’t get my arms in front of my face and head.

Sure enough I get whacked in the head by the board and the paddle both. When I stand up the board falls back down on me and the fin rips a gash in my forehead. Totally worked. Couldn’t even carry the board out, I had to drag it on the beach by the leash. Head bleeding like heads bleed, shoulder throbbing, arm hanging limply, headache pounding from the growing knot on my head.

Swear it was like the fight scene in "Tommy Boy." (Get my shoulder jammed) Was that a breeze? (Paddle knocks me in the head) Is that all you got? (Board nails me in the head) Am I getting a massage? (Fin rips across my forehead) That was a good one. Klunk.

Luckily it was the end of my session and I was coming in anyway. Turns out the gash is just a bad scratch. Shoulder got a lot better fast. In a couple minutes I could carry the board to the car.

Couple maggies and a carne asada quesadilla later and I am singing a happy tune. Then it was football/nap time on the couch.

But I still hate kayakers.

Excited for the debut of "Conan" on TBS. Or as I like to call him The Cone-bone, the Conester, the Conanolingodingo, the Cone-man, Conan O'Bonesky, Red Bone, Canbonian, (OK, this is getting annoying) the Conanian O'Banian, Cobo, Cobo the hobo, Conaflinkus, (Stop this, please) Consteroramalamashamashhaaaaheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.

SHUT UP!