Um, sweety, being a screaming bitch trumps hot every time.

We had a brown out on the down out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’m having a rough day. When I hit my Staples “Easy” button I sprained my thumb.

In his biography, tennis star Andre Agassi claims he lost a French Open final because he was terrified his hairpiece would fall off on to the ground in the middle of the game. It’s the same fear Manny Rameriz has with his testicles.

It’s fashion week in Pakistan. And you know what all the Pakistan fashionistas are saying this season: last year’s black Burka is this year’s really black Burka.

First Maria Shriver drove on her handheld cell phone, then she parked in a red zone, now a store says Maria left a huge pile of tried-on clothes on the floor. You know what Maria did today? She yanked a woman’s soccer player to the ground by her ponytail.

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; it’s like Sarah Palin’s book, “Going Rogue” Prejean’s book is; “Going Rouge.”

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is in trouble over a sex tape. Before Prejean blamed her topless photos on the wind blowing her blouse open. Not to go into lurid details of the sex tape, but that had to be some gust of wind to blow her vibrator where it ended up.

Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. In fact, Sosa is so white, he could star in the HBO “Curb Your Enthusiasm” “Seinfeld” reunion.

First Maria Shriver drove on her handheld cell phone, then she parked in a red zone, now a store says Maria left a huge pile of tried-on clothes on the floor. In fact, as we speak, the California legislature is drafting a bill to have Maria’s title changed from First Lady to First Bitch.

The Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey produced movie “Precious” is hailed as a great low-budget independent film. Here is my question: how can a film be called low-budget when the two producers have $500 million dollars of loose change in their couches each?

The independent film, “Precious” is getting interesting reviews. “We give it an A”, said “Entertainment Weekly.” “Inspirational” said “The Wall Street Journal.” “Wow, that is one fat chick” said “Douche-bag Quarterly.”

You’ve probably seen the footage of the drunk Boston woman who falls on the subway tracks, but the engineer stopped the train right before hitting her? If that had been a Northwest Airlines pilot, this would be a much sadder and messier story.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese uneducated 16-year-old ghetto girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her bitter welfare mother. The “Trenton Gazette” calls it the feel good movie of the year.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese illiterate 16-year-old ghetto girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her hateful welfare mother. What? No dying dog? What a schmaltzy Hollywood sell-out.

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; so, parents, if you want your daughter to be intolerant of gays, fired for shirking her Miss California duties, rip-off the pageant for breast implants, pose topless and then make a sex video, this is the book for your little sweetheart.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese illiterate 16-year-old ghetto girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her hateful welfare mother. What? No blind orphan falling in a well crying for mommy? What a puff piece.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese 16-year-old girl. One review called “Precious” plus-sized. That’s like calling Amy Winehouse a bit of a party chick.

Since you asked:

One thing that has never been clearer is that I have no grasp whatsoever on what women find attractive in men lately.

Those two “Twilight” dudes, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner? You have to be kidding, ladies. Pasty-faced, oily dorks whose girly-pretty sexuality is ambiguous at best. Where are the Paul Newman’s and Robert Redford’s and Steve McQueen’s and Sean Connery’s and Clint Eastwood’s of this generation? These “New Moon” dweebs make Adam Lambert look like an ass kicker. And we all know Liz Lambert (New Mexico ponytail puller) could kick his ass.

Hell, the hot women of today could kick these guy’s tuchuses. Who would you take in a fight, Fergie or Robert Pattinson? Me too, Fergie every time. Hell, Lada Gaga’s wardrobe could beat the crap out of Taylor Lautner. Paris Hilton’s hair weave could knock out Zach Efron.

OK, yes, some of these guys have ripped abs, but so does everyone under the age of 30 thanks to liposuction, pills and Red Bull. Ripped abs don’t count anymore. Madonna has ripped abs.

And it isn’t just about brawn, I mean, Paul Newman was a little guy, but he was so damn cool. Ditto with Marlon Brando and James Dean and James Caan. And I have it on good authority those last three were all closeted gay and or bi. (Yes, Sonny Corleone and Brian Piccilo likes his boys. Remember the young drunk gay guy who fell out of his apartment?) There is nothing wrong with being gay unless a guy who likes guys is trying to be a leading ladies man. See: Tom Cruise.

Would you want to have a beer with the Jonas Brothers? Shakira has more testosterone than all three of them. Seriously, a brother rock band that touts abstinence? Tito freaking Jackson got more than he could handle. What is the point of being a rock star if you are not going to score gorgeous groupies? It’s like being a vegetarian chef at Morton’s Steak House.

Granted, I am not the closest person in touch with today’s hottest music, but I try. I watch some of these bands on late night talk shows. And almost all of them look like they are nerd computer /film school dorks who had their too-much-hair-product heads flushed all through high school. Except Jet, and they aren’t even that young anymore.

Not to get all “Sex and the City” Carrey on your skinny six, but did two whole generations raised on political correctness create a race full of dweeb dudes?

The Eagles were little skinny guys, but they looked like they could take care of themselves in a bar fight. At least they could grow a beard. Well, maybe not Timothy B. Schmidt. The pube-faced losers I see in hot bands now look like they would wet their skinny jeans if a fight broke out in a bar. And that would be at an oxygen bar.

The coolest guy in rock and roll right now is John Mayer? (At least he’s getting all the babes, primarily due to lack of competition) Fall Out Boy? I mean, they are my New Trier High homeys and all, but, seriously, their lead singer, Pete Wentz, admits he makes out with the fellas. Every single Rolling Stone in their sixties is cooler than John Mayer. (Although I do admit Mayer is a funny guy and one hell of a guitar player)

We need to take the steroids out of sports and put it in our young matinee idols