F.Y.I, saying F.Y.I is the new being a douche bag, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It’s fashion week in Pakistan. This year’s Fall-inspired suicide bomber ensemble is to die for.


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. In fact, Sosa is so white, he can’t even dance anymore.


It is the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall; for those who are too young to remember, the Berlin wall did not fall due to a sex tape, hitting Rihanna or going country.


In interviews, the New York Yankees claim they won the World Series because they have heart; listening to the Yankees say they won because of heart is like hearing Donald Trump say women dig him because he’s sexy.


“Sesame Street” is 40 years old. You can tell the characters are getting older, on the last episode, the Count counted his medications: “One, one Lipitor, two, two Viagra, three, three teaspoons of Metamucil, hah, hah, hah.”


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. Here’s my question: when they make Sosa whiter do they also have to shorten his penis?


Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; suddenly Sarah Palin’s book sounds pretty good.


In the wake of the Fort Hood shootings, authorities are now saying there were red flags about the shooter, Nidal Milak Hasan including he praised suicide bombers and he was in contact with a terrorist in Yemen. Red flags? What did they need, an “I Heart Osama bin Laden” t-shirt?


Have you seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, slamming a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? Man, I haven’t seen a woman go down that fast since Paris Hilton during Fleet Week.


You’ve seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, throwing a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? Here’s my question: that’s not supposed to turn a guy on, right? Just asking.



Since you asked:

So as not to give the Hollywood bloated appearance of detached-by-egomaniacal-self-importance, as in those insufferable a-holes whining; “Please free convicted child rapist, Roman Polanski, he’s so talented.”, TV talk show monologues should try to be representative of the water cooler and soccer field topic banter of everyday red-blooded Americans. And to stay away from what the entertainment industry cares about because real Americans don’t care about that.

Big shot entertainment producer douche-bags may be terrified of a potential make-up artist strike, but nobody else in the country is, so don’t do jokes about a topic like that. Do jokes about what people are talking about. Or at least what they at least find mildly interesting.

Yes, the health care bill passed the house, but most regular people don’t care until it is a signed law passed by both the house and the Senate and signed by the President. But last night all the talk shows did many jokes about the house narrowly passing the health care bill. Why? It’s not a topic that has anything funny about it at all. Well, except for Nancy Polosi’s face.

Don’t mistake this for suggesting you dumb-down to people. That’s not what I mean. People are smart and they can smell someone being condescending a mile away. (By the way, condescending means to talk down to someone . . .)

But a women’s soccer player caught on TV kicking, slugging, stomping and yanking another player to the ground by her ponytail? That is what folks are talking about.

And yet a couple of talk shows did not do one joke about it. Not one.

It’s like the Ellen DeGeneres inside joke about letting fame go to your head.

“I don’t let fame go to my head. In fact, today I was just telling Yolanda, the woman who brushes my teeth . . .”

Hollywood, you might want to give us jokes like; “Times are so tough did you hear about the craft services table that had to substitute its Beluga caviar with Osetra caviar?” But we don’t want to hear those jokes. Honestly. We don’t. Nobody does.

You know what people can joke about no matter if their kids have the swine flu, no matter if they are cutting down on doing the things they love due to financial problems, no matter if their politicians are screwing everything up, no matter if a loved one is serving in harm’s way?

Sports.

This is a powerful lesson I learned way back right after September 11th, 2001. We wanted to see President Bush throw a strike during the World Series in New York and when he did, we laughed, cried, hugged and cheered.

And don’t say you didn’t because Bush turned out to be incompetent , you did.

If you drive a cab, or throw garbage in a garbage truck, or wait on tables or if you are the big shot at the fancy steak house being waited on, you can talk to anyone and everyone about sports and nobody will get offended. Well, unless they are Mets or Knicks fans, but then who cares what those people think?

Take black people turning white through chemical peels. Joke about Michael Jackson and Michael’s fans get furiously offended. Joke about Sammy Sosa turning white and everybody laughs and nobody gets offended.

And yet I know of several big shot comedians and comedy writers – in fact, entire staffs of huge shows of big shot comedy writers – who could not give a rat’s ass about sports.

And it shows in their jokes. Or their lack of jokes.