Monday, November 02, 2009

We gots us a magazine SUP Broheims

Whimpy, whompy, whombly, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Florida, 27-year-old Joel Waul took six years to construct the world record ball made out of rubber bands, at 6 feet, 7 inches tall and over 9,000 lbs. And here’s the best part girls: he’s single.

ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with an intern. Between this guy and Letterman these TV guys are really putting the in in intern.

Tennis star Andre Agassi admitted in his biography that he used crystal meth; although that is shocking, it does explain some of his neon tennis outfits and his mullet hair style.

Tennis star Andre Agassi admitted in his biography that he used crystal meth; this is proof that tennis is so boring to watch even the players have to be on drugs.

“Travel & Leisure” magazine named Philadelphia the least friendliest, least stylish city with the ugliest people; Trenton, New Jersey immediately demanded a recount.

ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with a co-worker, and now he is in sex addiction rehab. Apparently cheating on your wife is a real medical condition. It’s called: Bill Clintonitis.

“Jon & Kate Plus 8” Jon Gosselin and the Octomom, Nadya Suleman, are set to go on a date for a new reality show; I believe the name of the show is: “Why the Rest of The World Hates Us.”

ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with a co-worker, and now he is in sex addiction rehab. There is a reason so many male celebrities become sex addicts. The medical term is: Because They Can-itis.

Two Northwest pilots who overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles claim they got distracted while on their laptops; it may be true, the landing announcement was: “OMG, we totally, like, missed the airport, WTF? LOL, were gonna land now, laters.”

A controversy has swirled over New York Jets QB Mark Sanchez caught on the sidelines eating a hot dog during their 38-0 drubbing of the Oakland Raiders. Which is ironic because the Raiders are the ones who bit the weenie.

Since you asked:

So I go to the grocery store to get stuff for our intimate Halloween cocktail party: grilled corn salsa, grilled shrimp with yum yum sauce, and grilled filet mignon skewers with a red wine reduction sauce. (AC and Virg made an awesome cemetery out of the guac dip and parsley and chips for headstones and pretzels for the fence and broccoli for the bushes)

Ran out of gas at the top of the hill.

So I coast backwards one whole block in the bike lane and turn into a side street. Push the car while steering across a busy intersection, hop in and coast downhill on the way to the gas station. I’ve got the green light and I am going to make it all the way down the hill into the gas station, when some mother #@$&* cuts me off and I have to turn into the grocery store parking lot.

Run the half mile to the gas station, get the stinky plastic can of gas, ran back, spill gas all over my shoes and me. Go to start the car. No keys. Ran half mile back to check if I left them at the pump. No. Figure they popped out of my pocket while running back, so I run back and forth from the grocery store to the gas station ten times to trace my steps and look for the keys. Ten times.

Keys were on top of the car the whole time. Good lord I am stupid.

The good news is, when I put on my Viking costume, I really looked like I had been in a battle.

Since you asked:

Since you asked:

Folks, we need to update some hand signals. For example, when you want someone to roll down their car window – probably so they can hear you curse them in a road rage situation - stop making the hand-cranking gesture. Unless your car was getting work done and you had to rent a car from Handcrank Rentals, you have not driven a car that has hand cranks to lower the window in twenty years.

Just point to the window and lower the point at the same speed the window automatically comes down. If you want to get creative you can act like you pushed the button first.

For phone gestures some of you still make the rotary motion with your finger for the old spin dialing phones. Stop doing that. Unless you are in a Motel Two in Moose Jaw Montana, it doesn’t have a rotary dial. And don’t use the big thumb and pinky extended phone and put the thumb by your ear and the pinky by your mouth. Phones haven’t been that big in ten years. Just act like you’re holding an invisible deck of cards up to your ear.

You wouldn’t gesture for someone to open a garage door by bending over and hoisting it up, would you? No. You push a button. You don’t tell someone to change the TV channel by getting up and cranking a dial around, do you? No, you point and click a remote.

Oh, and while we are at it – and, don’t kid yourself, we are at it – let’s put to rest the high five. My pal, Ray DelPhinky, who is still reeling from the severe Fantasy Football beat-down my Thor’s Thunder gave his Bwana, was way ahead of his time in shutting down the high five.

Now it is time we follow his noble lead. Just say no to the high five.

Speaking of my 6-2 tied-for-the-lead Thor’s Thunder Fantasy Football team, you are probably asking yourself, Lex, how do you manage to have such great Fantasy Football teams year in and year out?

Sure, a lot of has to do with the fact that I just have a more powerful football brain then 99.9% of all people. And all praise goes to Jesus with whom all things are possible – just fooling around.

But there are some simple hard and fast rules that I can give you that will help bolster you FF success next year.

The “Sports Illustrated” Fantasy Football issue is your bible. Get it, read it, know it, live it. These folks are smarter than you and me and they spend way more time than you ever could researching this stuff. On draft day have your top choices ready to go and underlined. And don’t stick to that damn “Running back first” BS. If a great QB or wide receiver or even a tight end comes up when it’s your pick, don’t be a slave to getting a probably mediocre running back who will probably get hurt. Two words: Clinton Portis. Actually, Portis is still pretty good, but you know what I mean . . .

In any given year, there are only four to five great running backs. The ones who were great last year are quickly becoming burnout cases. Shaun Alexander, LT, Kansas’s Larry Johnson, how many examples do you need of “franchise running backs” who are washed up the next year either do to injury or a key blocker who was traded?

Make rules and do not break them. Fantasy Football is like a multiple choice test, always stick with your first answer. Second guessing yourself is death. If a benched player beats a starter that week, they start the next week. No questions asked.