Bless Kate's overly perfumed heart, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Prince William is trouble for landing a huge military helicopter in the yard of his party-chick girlfriend, Kate Middleton’s family estate. Now, I don’t want to say Kate is trouble, but if she marries Prince William, she will be the first queen in history to have an upper butt tattoo that says; “The Line Forms Here.”

Not that I claim to be expert, but I have a strong feeling about this Kate Middleton gal due to the fact that I briefly went out with two Kate Middleton wannabe’s, one in New York and one in Santa Barbara

If Kate Middleton is anything close to the girls I knew, she is a great gal – and I do mean gal- to hang with. She is a blast to party with. She can tell a joke that makes a Navy Seal blush. She constantly brings the drama and the excitement. She knows how to take care of a boyfriend, if you know what I mean. (Probably a girlfriend as well)

Kate strikes me as the kind of woman who can look stunning in a big floppy hat and a shear summer dress sipping a tall cool drink in the gloaming at an English Estate (Cue: Stones “You Can’t Always Get What you Want”) formal cocktail party and, later that night, kick everyone’s ass playing snooker at the pub wearing jeans, high tops and a t-shirt with an unfiltered cig dangling from her ruby red lips.

When she gets older, Kate will be that fun/crazy aunt with the dark tan and the ankle bracelets who always gets drunk and stirs up trouble at the family reunion.

But you do not marry a Kate Middleton. You especially do not marry and make a queen of a country out of a Kate Middleton. Not unless you want tabloid pictures of the Queen of your country sucking Jello shooters out of the pool boy’s navel.

Don’t get me wrong, this Kate Middleton is a beautiful young girl, but something tells me she is trouble with a capital Kate:

(Get the rim shots ready on drums)

Kate looks like the kind of girl who makes a jealous woman astronaut drive for hours in a diaper.

Kate looks like the kind of girl on “The Maury Show” who has three guys fighting over who is her baby daddy.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who slept her way to the top, the bottom, upside down, sideways and underneath.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who says; “Spank me, bitch” without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.

Kate reminds me of the kind of girl who, during sex, screams for you to say her name.

Kate reminds me of the kind of girl who starts a fight just for the make-up sex.

Kate looks like the kind of girl at a bar who can tie a cherry stem with her tongue into a square knot.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who says at last call; “What can suck a golf ball up a garden hose and hums? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

Kate looks like the kind of girl who tells the biggest guy in a bar; "My boyfriend right here can beat the ever lovin' sh*t out of you."

Kate looks like the kind of girl who leaves her panties in the glove compartment . . . of a taxi cab.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who the bouncer at the Las Vegas casino says; “OK, lady, if you insist, you’re not a hooker, but you still gotta go.”

Kate looks like the kind of girl who, when you tell her at a Halloween party, nice hooker costume, she blows cigarette smoke in your face and says “What costume?”

Kate looks like the kind of girl who says after a one-night-stand that you have to leave . . . and it’s your house.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who looks sexy the next morning in your monogrammed dress shirt, until you discover it’s not your monogrammed shirt.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who, when the guy is just about to pass out after sex, says; “Now that’s what I call a good start.”

Kate looks like the kind of girl who says to the guy chained to the bed just before she leaves and closes the door behind her; “Who said I had a handcuff key?”

And that is how we play "Kate Looks Like the Kind of Girl Who", Slatteens and Nuglets.