I’m a bounce out this piece before it get hinky, yo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Nice touch
The latest fashion trend in Hollywood for guys is an ascot. That’s good because Hollywood wasn’t quite gay enough before.

Slimming down
A study shows that New Yorkers are getting a lot fatter. Except for the New York Knicks, by firing Isaiah Thomas they just lost 200 pounds of useless weight.

P.C.
A high school adviser in West Virginia received a suspension for calling students who behaved badly "trailer trash." Please. The correct term is: mobile home refuse.

Or something like that
Rob Lowe’s former Nanny is suing him for sexual harassment. She claims he over-worked her. I think that’s what she meant when she said he wanted a lot of Rob Lowe jobs.

Scary
A new poll reveals voters are swinging towards Barack Obama over Hillary Clinton. Although there is a significant number of voters who are afraid that, if they vote for Barack, they will receive a red-faced rant from Bill Clinton.

Here he comes
Swimmer Ryan Lochte, who set four world records last week, said his skin-tight Speedo suit made him "feel like I'm some sort of action hero.” “Here comes Captain Bulgie to the rescue.”
Apparently his super power is freaking out his enemies when they see him in his nasty Speedo.

Gator hater
During the Heritage golf tournament, CBS kept showing an alligator in the water by the golf course. That makes a regular water hazard look kind of whimpy. When you can lose a stroke and an arm, now that’s a water hazard. The last guy to try and play a ball out of that hazard? Jimmy “Stumpy” Dufrasne. After the accident, the length of Stumpy’s drive went down but he doesn’t turn the ball over with his right hand anymore.

Since you asked:

Not that I want to jinx them, but man, are the Chicago Cubs on fire. My main man, the Riot, Ryan Theriot is scorching it up with a four for four against the Pie-rats. And Bonnie Hunt was hilarious as always as the greatest seventh inning guest. And that girl can sing, to paraphrase Jackson Browne.

In order for you to truly enjoy your favorite baseball team you must come up with overly chummy and annoying nicknames for all the players. Here are some of mine for the Cubbies. Some, like The Riot, are not original. Most are stupid.

The aforementioned The Riot, for Ryan Theriot.

Mike “F-Not” Fotenot.

Arimas “Pajamas” Ramirez

Ryan “The Avenue” Dempster

Kosuke “Sayonara” Fukudome

Derek “Dealio Deelee” Lee

Felix “Easy as Pie’ Pie

Mark “D Rose” DeRosa

Kerry “We got” Wood

Matt “Red” Murton. (Some nicknames pick themselves. Have you seen his hair? It’s a helmet. If he played for the Reds they would just paint a white C in front.

“Sweet, sweet, sweeter-than-sweet, sweet” Lou Piniella.

Carlos “The Jackal” Zombrano.