Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Chillax Broheims and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That would do it
Eliot Spitzer is in rehab for sexual addiction and they cured him. You know how they cured him? They cut up his credit card.

Hillary Clinton claimed on a 1996 trip to Bosnia, upon her arrival, Hillary bravely ducked sniper fire. But one of Hillary’s celebrity companions, comedian Sinbad, recalled no shots and no danger. You know your story is questionable when Sinbad is brought in as the voice of reason.

Happy Bunny Day
Did you have a good Easter? Our politicians celebrated Easter their usual way: Having sex like little bunnies and fertilizing eggs.

How hot was it?
It was hot on Easter. It was so hot in Sacramento, it felt good for the sex-scandal politicians when they turned the hoses on them.

Right man for the job
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with perjury and misconduct stemming from a sex scandal. His political future in Detroit is bleak, but his chances of becoming a New York Governor are excellent.

Not catchy
Even with all the political sex scandals, I am not too sure about Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan: “Vote for Hillary: Nobody Gets Into Her Pantsuit..”

A sure sign
Rumor has it the New York Knicks are ready to fire coach/G.M Isaiah Thomas. It may be true, Thomas was running around the Knick back office doing some last minute sexual harassment groping.

I hate that stuff
Inmates in Vermont claim that prison officials are using food to punish them. For example on Wednesday’s Taco Night there is no more fresh guacamole. They’re using the packaged powdered stuff.

Uh, no son, that’s not, oh forget it
The UCLA Bruins face Western Kentucky Hilltoppers in the NCAA Men’s College Basketball tournament. It was a little awkward when they asked a Western Kentucky player about playing UCLA, he said; “My daddy is a Bruin. In fact, he’s a bruin some moonshine right now.”

Back home
Idaho Senator Larry Craig missed the deadline to file for re-election. Apparently Craig wants to spend more time with his hometown bus station restroom.

Since you asked:

Hillary Clinton claimed on a 1996 celebrity trip to Bosnia, upon arriving, she had to duck sniper fire. But one of Hillary’s companions, comedian Sinbad, recalled no shots. In fact, at the time, the only person getting shot at around a Clinton was, well, Monica.

(You know your story is questionable when Sinbad is brought in as the voice of reason.)

How typically “Clinton” is that story? We all have lied. Or, as our conscience likes to couch it, we all have embellished. As Mark Twain said;

“The truth is a valuable commodity, we must use it sparingly.” M.T.

A friend of mine, Ronnie-B, loves to embellish. He loves to embellish on about five stories about me from when we used to work together in La Jolla for Shearson Lehman. The problem is that he embellishes so much, and he combines several stories into one, and he adds so many features to make the stories funnier, and to make me look stupider, as if that were necessary, that the end result is a complete and total fabrication. In English, a bold-faced lie.

But Ronnie-B has told these stories so often for so long he honest-to-god thinks they are gospel. We’ve all done that. If you say you haven’t than you are either Pope Benedict or you are lying. Or both. (If he is reading, a shout-out to Pope Benedict XVI, or as we at a.L.b.b. call him, P. Benny Sweet Sixteen. Yo. Respect.)

But Hillary takes embellishing into a new Clinton-sphere. To bolster her image as a courageous diplomat, last week she tells a live audience, including the press, of how she bravely traveled to war-torn Bosnia and barely survived as sniper bullets whistled by her Hillary-Do’d head.

The problem? It turns out it was a very secure celebrity-laden cushy trip and one of the celebrities who was there, Sinbad, stated directly that Hillary was, well, not telling the truth.

So Hillary’s camp spews out a “misspoke” statement.

Apparently misspeaking is the new lying.

And while you mentioned it:
Saw the Demi Moore on Dave last night. (Well, not actually on Dave, so you can relax, Ashton) Now, I know we’ve all heard the “Gimme More” insults by aggrieved film crews who rail against Moore’s selfish and boorish behavior on set, but, for some reason, I tend to want to like the Demi Moore.

But I noticed that the Demi is really suddenly turning into a good ol’ gal. You know, with big bones, the rough barroom smoke-gruffy guffaw, on-the-back-of-a-motorcycle-a-lot skin and the sideways wink. If she keeps this up we may have too change Demi’s name to Betty, or Suse, or Sally, Dot or Deb.

And she will call us Honey.