Saturday, March 29, 2008

For our well-qualified blog readers, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“American Idol” contestant Chikezie was voted off; that’s too bad, he was, without a doubt, the best contestant they’ve ever had named Chikezie.

“American Idol” contestant Chikezie was voted off; Chikezie is a Nigerian name that, roughly translated, means: Simon Cowell sucks.
That close
The New York Yankees
announced that box seats in the new Yankee Stadium next year will sell for twenty-five hundred dollars per game. But the seats are good, when the players sweat you can actually smell the steroids.
Who knew?
Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Washington D.C. It was interesting, I had no idea that Hillary once defused a nuclear time bomb at Dulles International Airport.
Who is this guy?
How about this new Governor of New York, David Patterson? First he admits he had numerous affairs in a Days Inn, then he admits he smoked pot, and now he says he did cocaine. Just who does this guy think he is, Bill Clinton?

Surgeons at the University of California at San Diego created uninvasive medical history by removing a man’s appendix through his mouth. And you don’t even want to know where they went in to perform a vasectomy.

Makes sense
In Florida two 93-year-old-guys were trying to hire prostitutes. They were in a rest home for retired New York Governors.

That’s nice
In suburban Chicago, Aurora police busted a prostitution ring. The suburban Chicago hookers are a little different, afterwards they send you a nice handwritten Thank You note.

Barack Obama ’s preacher has a big sermon planned Sunday, it’s called “Why Whitey Ain’t Righty.”

Madonna is releasing her 11th album next month titled “Hard Candy.” Madonna has sold 200 million albums world wide and yet nobody admits they own a Madonna album. Madonna is the musical equivalent of masturbating: everyone likes it, nobody admits to it.

Fitting tribute
The owner of the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has endorsed Hillary Clinton. To honor Hillary, all this week the hookers are dressed up in black latex pantsuits.

Viva La No Underpants
Have you seen the nude pictures of France President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife, Carla Bruni? They don’t call her the first lady for nothing.

Have you seen the nude pictures of France President Nicolas Sarkozy’s new wife, Carla Bruni? They are so sexy the Germans are thinking seriously of invading France again.

Tough stigma to overcome
Fred Thompson announced that he is getting back into acting. That is if the actors can get past Fred’s consorting with those immoral drug and whoring-around politicians and live the clean and moral life of Hollywood.

Great idea, grab you coats
Iran wants to attract more American Tourism. “Hey, honey, let’s forget about going to Aruba, let’s go to Iran and check out their new theme park “Mullah Land” and ride the Jihad Jamboree.

Viva La Carla
Have you seen the nude pictures of France President Nicolas Sarkozy’s new wife, Carla Bruni? You can tell she is French. She surrendered over her bra and panties.

Not all of them
Ringling Bros. circus is at Madison Square Garden, finally the New York Knicks aren’t responsible for all the horse piles left on Garden the floor.

When will it stop?
How about this new Governor of New York, David Patterson? First he admits he had numerous affairs in a Days Inn, then he admits he smoked pot, and now he says he did cocaine. Tomorrow he plans to admit he ripped the tag off of his mattress.

Not quite cured
Former New York Gov. Eliot “Keep the change” Spitzer is in a rehab facility that treats sex addicts. I don’t think it’s working, Spitzer told a friend it was a great place to meet hot and horny chicks.

What a country
Have you seen the HBO series “John Adams”? It depicts well how our founding fathers risked their lives and fortunes to give us a free government so that our elected representatives can troll airport bathrooms, have threesomes and go whoring.

Have you seen the HBO series “John Adams”? It must have been intimidating hanging around the founding fathers. “I’m a real estate broker. What do you do?” “I wrote the Declaration of Independence.”

Not quite as good
Can you imagine if the Declaration of Independence was written today? Instead of “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal” we’d have “The bottom-line is that thinking outside-the-box, human-wise, going forward at the end of the day it is a scenario that is what it is. Hold on, I have to take this call. Yo, Dude, what’s up?”

Not in 232 years
Have you seen the HBO series “John Adams”? It aptly depicts how vitally important it was for our country to ally with France for their military support to win the war. This also marks the first time in 232 years anyone has said the words; “How vitally important it was for our country to ally with France for their military support to win the war.”
Since you asked:

It’s the tenth anniversary of Viagra this week. Poor Libby Dole needs a vacation.

You want to know what is a surprisingly fun and interesting thing to do on a Saturday morning while you are drinking coffee and killing time procrastinating a work out? Go to iTunes, keyword CELEBRITY PLAYLISTS and hop around.

As the great Carl Spackler of “Caddy Shack” said “Let’s get in this dude’s pelt and crawl around a little bit and see what makes him tick.”

There are certain facts that popped out all at once. First, there are a hell of a lot of people who are considered celebrities who I have never heard of.

Second, the celebrities I do know of, their play lists fall into two distinct categories: Horribly disappointing and surprisingly good. Diablo Cody? Great. Fergie? Surprisingly good. Vince Vaughn? Who knew he was a country music fan, but he likes pretty good country music. Hugh Grant? Shockingly good. Did you know that he knew that Elton John’s “Daniel” is about a blind guy? I love that song, it played during our wedding reception and I did not know that.

Drew Barrymore, John Cusak and Jason Lee? Awful beyond words. Even their descriptions of their awful songs suck.

Paula Abdul? Really good, but I guess we are not totally surprised. Stevie Nicks? Crushingly disappointing. It is laden with Justin Timberlake.

One thing to take note of is that a lot of talented musicians have listed the Emmylou Harris version of Townes Vand Zandt song “Pancho and Lefty.”

My playlist if I was a celebrity?

“Tumblin’ Dice” This is a very fun and bouncy, summer, late-afternoon-get-ready-to-party joint, if I ever used the word joint, which I wouldn’t because any word that Randy Jackson uses I don’t. No offense, Dawg.

“Seven Bridges Road” Most of my life, my father, who was a great tenor singer, and I played an ongoing game of “No, your music sucks.” It stopped when he heard this song. When he passed and the company wanted their company car back, when I cleaned out the glove compartment, I found three Eagles tapes, “Eagles Live” “Hotel California” and “Best of the Eagles.”

“Crazy” with the Shawn Colvin’s version. A haunting warning.

“Layla”, The best song period. Who is going to argue?

Hotel California” Elegantly describes the class and the sleaze of California.

“New York Minute” Great Henley lyrics captures the beauty and scariness of New York

“Midnight Rambler.” This shot to the top one Fall early Saturday morning in New York City when I was leaving my, um, "dates" apartment in So Ho and I sang it while strutting home with my coat thrown over my shoulder. And the harp jams.

“Let it Be” With the Clapton solo on guit-box, of course.

“Thrill is Gone” B.B. King. Love playing along on my harmonica. First song I learned how to play in third position.

“Call it a Loan” Jackson Browne is dark but awesome as is this song.

“Little Wing” You can hear the heartbreak of a lover who passed way too young, just like Jimi did.

“What is And Should Never Be” Because you gots to has you some Led, yo. (Don't even try not to play air guitar when it kicks in the power chords near the end)

“You Shook Me All Night” Because it rocks so G-damn frickin’ much as does . . .

“Alive” By Pearl Jam and so does . . .

“Honky Tonk Women” Because it is the best bar song in the world. We need more cowbell.

"Under The Bridge" By the Red Hot Chili Peppers. A "Rolling Stone" survey of the best rock songs of all time, that included, "Layla", "You Can't Always Get What You Want" and "Freebird" and "Stairway to Heaven" all had one thing in common: a fast and a slower part. So does this.
“Hallelujah” By Jeff Buckley. I would add this if I wasn’t so terrified of my buddy Stewie Dogs calling me gay for doing so. Oh, screw Stewie Dogs, I am putting it in, so suck it, Stewie Dogs. Besides, Stewie Dogs has "River" by Joni Mitchell, on his list so he can't talk. It's a great song, but Stewie, that is also gayer than a tofu meatball.

It could be worse, S.D., I could have included Braudah’s Iz’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Damn good, but gay, gay, gay.
This is my celebrity iTunes list. It probably has too many Stones - as if that is possible - is lacking in blues harmonica greats like Junior Wells's "Good Morning Lil' School Girl" and Little Walter's "Juke" and is missing some bands, like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and is sorely lacking of the Boss, Bruce Springsteen, whom I also love.
But it had to stop somewhere.