Friday, December 21, 2007

And so it goes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Under the category of: “I just can’t seem to get past this,”

Madonna is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Really? Doesn’t this mean Vanilla Ice is next?

Madonna is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Her rap song, “American Life” is universally considered one of the worst songs ever made. And that even includes Phil Collins’s “Sussudio.”

Stop watering-down the gene pool
Britney Spears 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant; how, on earth, are we ever going to get the IQ scores up in this country if those Spears women keep breeding?

Britney Spears 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant; That’s nice, that means, fingers crossed, in six years both mother and child will graduate from first grade together.

Oui kid the French
French President Nicolas Sarkozy took former-model-turned-singer Carla Bruni on a date to Disneyland Paris. It seemed like a good idea but it got awkward when Sarkozy was deemed too small to get on any of the rides.

In fact, it turns out Bruni was the only ride Sarkozy was tall enough to get on.

Diminutive French President Nicolas Sarkozy is dating former-model-turned-singer, Carla Bruni who used to date Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Kevin Costner, Donald Trump and many, many others. You know the difference between Carla Bruni and the Statue of Liberty? The Statue of Liberty charges to let people inside of her.

Now, I don’t want to say Carla’s been around, but her butt tattoo says “Thank You For Waiting.”

Now, I don’t want to say that Carla has had a lot of cosmetic work done, but she also has a butt tattoo that says “Pardon The Construction.”

They aimed too high
Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne (Ind.) News-Sentinel, on Dodgers Manager Joe Torre undergoing knee-replacement surgery: "It was his second procedure this off-season. Earlier, he had three Steinbrenners taken off his back."

Really? Something tells me the procedure should have occurred at a slightly lower level.

Since you asked, Holiday version:
It’s that time of year when, in lieu of working before Christmas so they can chug eggnog and get Heather from accounting to sit on the copier ala Britney, everyone resorts to those incredibly lame and hackneyed Year-In-Review segments and we at a.L.b.B. are no better.

Paris Hilton is a tawdry slut, Britney Spears is a white trash simpleton, Lindsay Lohan is a coke whore, Donald Trump is a pompous megalomaniac with hilariously bad hair, OJ Simpson, Robert Blake and Phil Specter all literally got away with murder, Jessica Simpson is as hot as she is stupid, Mel Gibson, Paula Abdul and David Hasselhof are drunks, New Jersey has toxic dumps and a lot of Mafia in sweat suits, and the French, well, the French are the French, n’est pas?

And nobody here, even Heather who is right now skirt up and riding the copier like a 50 peso burro, can still believe that they are inducting Madonna into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and not as a bad joke.

Cut to: Obligatory montage of still shots of all the famous people who caught a bad case of the deads in 2007.