Get wit it ‘til you hit it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Weighty
Researchers now believe the universe weighs 20% to 30 % less than they thought. This means, if this trend keeps up, in a few years, Americans are going to weigh more than the universe.


Phony
Katie Holmes ran the New York Marathon and upon finishing was kissed by her husband, Tom Cruise; Now it is being suggested that Holmes faked the whole thing. And besides her marriage, she didn’t run either.

Tipless
Hillary Clinton's campaign denied Thursday that she and her staffers failed to tip a waitress at a restaurant in Iowa last month. The waitress said that it didn’t qualify as a tip when Hillary told her to always, always go with pants suits.

Oh, well in that case
A man in India married a dog; this marital precedent upset US conservatives until they discovered that the man and the dog were not the same sex.

Wee, wee
France is facing a massive transportation strike; as a result, France could be in a totally unproductive and utterly useless state. You know, just like normal.