Friday, November 16, 2007

We gonna roll thick and toss a few brain grenades this ‘end, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Barry Bonds has been indicted on Federal perjury charges and faces a maximum of thirty years in prison; this is not good, among other things for Bonds, if convicted, this could bring a whole new and horrible meaning to the term: injecting stuff in your ass.

We are planning a very traditional Pilgrim Thanksgiving dinner. We will invite over some native Americans, steal their farming secrets and then shoot them.

Like Nicole Richey, Lindsay Lohan spent a grueling 84 minutes in jail for drunk driving charges; 84 minutes? That’s barely enough time to get a tear drop prison tat, trade a carton of smokes for a cellmate bitch and then shiv a snitch.

In Australia, sidewalk Santas are being told not to say ho, ho, ho, because it is insulting to women; somehow Santas chanting: “Promiscuous women with low self-esteem, promiscuous women with low self-esteem, promiscuous women with low self-esteem” just isn’t the same.

In the next debate, democrats are going to focus on Hillary Clinton’s support and then back- peddling on New York’s proposal to give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. Even John Kerry said; “A candidate can’t support an issue and then reverse their position. Oh wait, yes they can. No, I was wrong, they can’t. Or can they?”

Since you asked:
It’s the time of year when relatives come visit or maybe friends are in for a holiday. So here are the top ten things you don’t want to hear a houseguest mutter when they exit the bathroom:

#10.“Wow, I don’t remember eating an acid-blooded space alien.”

#9.“Oh, well, you probably needed to re-paint the bathroom anyway.”

#8.“If you still have those masks from the fires you might want to put one on.”

#7.“Where do you keep the plunger? Oops, never mind, how about the mop?”

#6.“That reminds me, we should go to the zoo and see the new gorilla exhibit.”

#5.“I thought you only got that when you drank the water in Mexico.”

#4.“Light a match? We are way past matches at this point.”

#3.“Whew, I have to have a doctor check that out because that can’t be right.”

#2.“Just a corner of the sports page got singed.”

And the number one thing you don’t want to hear a houseguest mutter when they exit the bathroom:

#1.“In polite circles that would be considered a terrorist attack.”