Saturday, June 30, 2007

Slap me silly and call me Betty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Paris in Summertime
Paris Hilton’s trash went on sale on eBay. You know the difference between Paris’s trash and her CD? No, seriously, I’m asking. Do you know the difference?

How hot is it?
It has been hot. Today I was sweating like Paris Hilton reading her probation conditions.

Paris Hilton told Larry King that, in jail, she ate mystery meat. And the food wasn’t too good either.

Larry King asked Paris Hilton what her favorite part of the bible is. I think Paris meant to say Deuteronomy, but unfortunately Paris called it: Dude a rod to me.

Book it
Former defense sec Donald Rumsfeld is writing a book on the war in Iraq. Unfortunately for Rumsfeld, his Iraq book will only be available in the fiction section.

In an interview with Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dream of becoming a priest ended when he found out priests can’t have sex. To which Priests replied; “We can’t? Since when?”

Paris Hilton has repeatedly vowed to use her jail experience as inspiration to help the needy. So apparently Paris wants to start with helping the needy who are residing at a luxury resort in Hawaii. After that, Paris is going to help OJ find the real killers on a golf course.

After her 23 day stay in jail, Paris Hilton has flown off to a luxury resort in Hawaii. This will bring a whole new meaning to going to Hawaii and getting lei’d.

Which is not easy
Paris Hilton is off to vacation in Hawaii. She wants to take a vacation on tropical island before she resumes her duties as a . . . what the hell does Paris do again? Paris makes Kevin Federline look like a workaholic.

Last night on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Ross the wildly gay intern tried out to be a super hero. Do you what Ross’s super power is? Accessorizing.

Oh, Lex, you can do better than this. Well, no, I guess you can’t.
A man in Scotland was arrested for having sex with a bicycle. The bike swung both ways. That’s why it was called a bi-cycle.

Since you asked:

We had a “Seinfeld” / “Curb Your Enthusiasm” Larry David episode this morning. Our good friend neighbors are out of town and their lawn crew seized this as an opportunity to get a jump start on their Saturday’s clients. The problem? The leaf blower and lawn mowers and weed whackers went off at 8:20. am.

This immediately altered my - and about ten of our neighbors - opinion on immigration reform to a much more conservative stance. Starting with deporting the bastards who started their freakin’ leaf blowers, weed whackers –whom a very unenlightened and intolerant guy I know rudely refers to as Mexican saxophones and banjoes – at 8:20 am.

Everyone knows the power tool starting limit on weekends is past nine am, right? Ten is even more civilized. Our daughter had a sleep over and I had a rare window to sleep in until they dropped her off at 9:30.

Where is Lou Dobbs when you need him?

Lex's new, slightly gay, smart summer cocktail:

Ice in a shaker, Kettle One vodka, Orange Juice, Peach Schnapps, shake hard, pour straight up. Add a splash of Fresca. Orange slice garnish and Bob is your frickin' Uncle.

You've heard of the Fuzzy Navel? This is a Fuzzy Anvil.