Monday, June 25, 2007

‘Cause that how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Neighbors of Paris Hilton want her out saying Paris is an awful person who mistreats her pets. That’s not surprising, Paris is particularly hard on her Schnauzer.

Get it?
There is a video tape which shows the graduation ceremony for 300 suicide bombers. You know what the theme was for their graduation dance? Blue Bayou.

Only fair
NBC is going to pay Paris Hilton $1 mil for her post jail interview; it is part of NBC’s new charity to support all rich untalented skanky drunk driving parole violators. So to be fair, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richey will also be getting get a million from NBC.

Hillary Clinton has picked her campaign song, Celine Dion’s “You and I.” Dennis Kucinich has a campaign song too. Not one song really, just whatever is playing on the intercom when he works at Wal Mart.

Hillary Clinton has picked her campaign song, Celine Dion’s “You and I.” Democratic candidate Chris Dodd has picked his campaign song too, the Who’s “Who Are You?”

That is disgusting
On a Continental flight from Amsterdam to Newark, the toilets over-flowed with human waste. That’s not the worst of it. The in-flight movie was “Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo.”

We up and done unhooked it like you read about this weekend.

My soon-to-be nine-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline is goofy about critters. We have three, two labs, Kasey and Wrigley, and a Beta fish named Manchester, all of whom A.C. dotes on.

In addition, last week we signed her up for “Critter Camp” at the Helen Woodward Animal Center where she got to see and learn about all types of lizards, birds, rodents, mammals, you name it. And of course, her favorite, the pony named Snacks.

So Saturday a good friend of ours, Rich, who basically runs the Wild Animal Park hospital, offered to take us, A.C. me, my wife Virg and our friend Stacy, on a personal tour. First we saw the state-of-the-art hospital with James Bond-like gadgets and cameras and winches and hoists. There a Cheetah hissed and lunged at us in her cage and an African ram reared up on his hind hoofs to charge. (This is after Rich good-naturedly goaded them)

Then we hopped in the truck with a bucket of carrots and apple slices and took off for the main park. Wild is right, we were driving along in the Wild Animal Park among all the critters. Ann Caroline hand fed three giraffes. Giraffes are so cool and mellow and, well, ethereal.

Then we went through the double automatic gates into the India preserve and we hand fed apples to a – no, I am not lying – an Indian rhino. The female rhino stuck her big ol’ head into the cab of the truck while Virg, my wife, tossed apple chunks into her huge, gaping mouth.

How many people got to say they hand fed a rhino this weekend and not have it mean some expression for something dirty?

Speaking of critters

Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick's charity golf tournament was canceled because investigators found 37 dog-fighting dogs buried on Vick’s property. How would you like to be the owner of the Atlanta Falcons, Arthur Blank, right now? You have a team, named after an endangered species, incidentally, with a quarterback you’re paying well over $130 million who caused the brutal slaughter of 37 dogs in a country that gladly paid $40 billion this year in pet care?

Suddenly New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner doesn’t look so dumb.