It is hard out here

Since you asked:

A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail for attempted murder and she wore an adult diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop on a 900-mile drive to get to her victim. One of the disturbing facts to emerge from this is that, during the violence of takeoff and reentry, Astronauts do lose control of their bodily functions and wear adult diapers. So, for the first time since the Sixties, there is now an entire generation of kids who do not want to grow up to be astronauts.

“Nah, I’ll work for the IRS, at least they don’t have to wear diapers.  

Now it is time for a new feature here at a.LBB called

Lex’s Valentines Day Cards.

It is well documented by no less of a psychological authority than Dr. Phil that Valentines Day is a nightmare for men everywhere. If you get her chocolate she is mad because she is on a diet, if you don’t get her chocolate she thinks you think she is too fat. It goes on and on.

It is also well documented that Valentines Day was the demonic invention of a greeting card minion as a conspiracy to bolster the slack after Christmas cards and before Easter card sales.

Having acknowledged all of this, here are my ideas for some new and different Valentines Day cards:


Outside of card: You are the only woman in the world for me

Inside: Unless Angelina Jolie decides to throw me a shot


Outside of card: I would do anything in the world for you

Inside: Except drive 900 miles in a diaper


Outside of card: I am addicted to your love

Inside: So I am checking into a rehab facility at the Playboy Mansion


Outside of card: If you ever left me I would be lost

Inside: Your car is the only one with the Global Positioning System


Outside of card: Stay with me until the end of time

Inside: What with global warming and the threat of nuclear attack is about another month


Outside of card: Our love is real

Inside card: As opposed to Star Jones and Al Reynolds, Oprah and Steadman and Tom and Katie.


Outside of card: My love for you cannot wait

Inside: I took the Viagra over an hour ago

And that, Slats and Nuggies, is how we play Lex’s Valentines Day cards.

(Polite applause)