It is hard out here

It don’t mean a thing-a-ling if it don’t got that sting-a-ling, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.


Oh goody
The NFL Pro Bowl will be aired on Saturday at 3:00 pm PT on CBS. “Man, I can hardly wait to watch the pro bowl” said nobody in their right mind.

If you are keeping score
There is a video clip circulating the Internet that shows Paris Hilton saying vulgar racial and anti-gay slurs. So now Paris’s mouth is the second thing on her that needs to be washed out with soap.

There is a video clip circulating the Internet that shows Paris Hilton saying vulgar racial and anti-gay slurs. You know what that means? Paris has to go into skank rehab.

Do the math
This year the Disney World commercial after the Super Bowl features Indianapolis coach Tony Dungy and running back Dominic Rhodes saying “I’m going to Disney World.” For those keeping score this now brings the total number of commercials without Peyton Manning to one.

How cold is it?
It is so cold in the Midwest that Chicagoans are shaking like Rex Grossman watching Super Bowl clips.

Not good
The reviews for the commercials for Super Bowl 41 were not good; you know it wasn’t going well for the commercials when anything with Kevin Federline in it is considered one of the best.

Alpha bet trade
A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail on charges of attempted kidnapping attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery. If found guilty, Nowak will be released from NASA to the NBA.

A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail for attempted kidnapping. In a hurry to confront her victim, Nowak wore – and used – an adult diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop on a 950 mile drive. The crime was motivated by jealously proving that hell hath no fury like a woman soiled.


Not since then
A NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, is in jail for attempted murder. In a hurry to confront her victim, Nowak used an adult diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop on a long drive. So this makes Nowak the first person to be charged with murder who wore an adult diaper since, well, Phil Specter.  

Pahhhh jwhore ahhhhhh teeeeeeve ruhhhhh maaaahhhks
Ca. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble because an audio tape caught him making pejorative remarks about republicans. Even though there is no possible way Arnold could ever hope to pronounce: pejorative remarks about republicans.  

Since you asked:

Anna Nicole Smith 1967-2007

As a topical joke writer, I wrote more than my share of Anna Nicole Smith jokes. But it was never done with the sheer glee that comes with nailing that stupid selfish mean nasty bimbo skank Paris Hilton. There was something tragic and sad about Anna Nicole Smith. She was the white trash Marilyn Monroe.

Yes, she went along for the ride on her own free will. But you got the feeling Anna Nicole Smith never really understood what was going on. At 30 or so she marries a dying 90-year-old billionaire and she was genuinely hurt when talk show hosts made gold digger jokes.

So if anyone still thinks the desperate pursuit of wealth and fame will result in a long, full and happy life, all you have to do is look at the short, shallow and miserably unhappy life of Anna Nicole Smith.

It seems to me you lived your life like strawberry incense in the wind.