Thursday, December 14, 2006

It is hard out here

We got our jingle bell rock on up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Exit stage left
Did you see that clip of the White House Christmas tree falling over? Even the White House Christmas tree has a better exit strategy than President Bush.

That should work
The Evangelist who was caught with a male prostitute, Ted Haggart, is undergoing intensive therapy, counseling and training to try and convert him from gay to straight. It’s called the Katie Holmes project.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was a little awkward when President Bush saw the depiction of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” today on the Google home page. Bush said; “Hey, it’s that “Home Alone” kid.”

I’m so waisted
Nicole Richey was arrested for driving under the influence of Vicodin and marijuana; you could tell Nicole was stoned, she had the munchies so bad she ate an entire potato chip all by herself.

When she was booked, Nicole Richey weighed 85 pounds. Rosie O’Donnell’s softball bat weighs more than that.

Busy guy
Minnesota Timberwolves Eddie Griffin was issued a ticket for inattentive driving after he caused a crash while driving drunk, watching pornography and masturbating; repeat, the guy was driving drunk, watching porn and masturbating. Say what you want, my man knows how to multi-task.

Minnesota Timberwolves Eddie Griffin was issued a ticket for inattentive driving after he caused a crash drunk, while watching pornography and masturbating; ironically he was driving a Hummer.

Minnesota Timberwolves Eddie Griffin was issued a ticket for inattentive driving after he crashed drunk, while watching pornography and masturbating; this will result in a new greeting in the NBA: the high elbow.

Buddy up, Apu
A survey reveals that American-made condoms are too big for men in India. Outsource this here, India.

Same ol’ same ol’
The NBA is scrapping their new synthetic ball for their old leather one. For example, with the new ball, the New York Knicks couldn’t dribble it, couldn’t shoot it or pass it. So for the Knicks the new ball was no different from the old one.

How does that work?
A Fort Collins, CO 29-year-old blonde teacher is charged with sexual assault of her 17-year-old male student. Sexual assault? What’s that mean? Did she pistol whip him with her vibrator?

Sexual assault? Did she smack him around with her breasts? Take that. Whap, whap.

Breaking story
Ohio Dem. congressman Dennis Kucinich announced he is running for President in 2008; in equally important news, my dog, Wrigley, snored when he took a nap.

Since you asked:

Let’s face it, if you are an adult, Christmas is a pain-in-the-ass.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the spirit and the decorations and especially the Christmas movies (I weep hot little girl tears the split second Jacob Marley breaks down over his little cock sparrow, Tiny Tim) and the parties, but compared to when you were a kid, Christmas is an added stress.

That is why it is so great to have a kid this time of year.

Picture a Norman Rockwell-like little blonde eight-year-old girl, with freckles around her nose and her two front teeth missing, wearing her Santa hat and just sitting as quiet as the angel on top of the tree on the couch in an unlit living room, starring at the lit Christmas tree as she listens to her dancing Santa play “Jingle Bell Rock” over and over again.

And over, and over, and over again.

Takes the Bah right out yo’ Humbug is what it do.

Remember the really cute little girl with the adorable lisp in “Mrs. Doubtfire”? That’s what A.C. sounds like now that both front teefers have gone missing. (What do you want to bet that “Mrs. Doubtfire” girl’s parents didn’t spend a whole lot on speech therapy?)

Any who, as Ann Caroline would say it;

“Merry Chrisssssmasssss Torn Ssssslaternsssss and Nugget Rancherssssss.

Check out you booooyyyyyyyyyyy up in here:

Again, I know who that great comedy writer Alan Ray is, but not sure about those other guys.,0,1880937.story?coll=ny-viewpoints-headlines