Tuesday, December 06, 2005

That be so ill it don’t need no pill, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Brrrrrr
Man, it is cold back east. People are shaking like a Randy “Duke” Cunningham campaign contributor.


Man., it was cold last night. 45 degrees? I was shaking like a Randy “Duke” Cunningham watching HBO’s prison series “OZ”.


We kid the Stones
The big fear of the halftime show at the Super Bowl? A Rolling Stones wardrobe malfunction. What kind of wardrobe malfunction could the Rolling Stones have? Well, Depends.


The big fear of the halftime show at the Super Bowl? Will the Rolling Stones have a wardrobe malfunction? Here’s the bad news: Keith Richards, like Janet Jackson, wears a gold sun nipple ornament. The good news? Keith tucks the nipple ornament down his pants.



Oh, now, don’t be like that
Paris Hilton has a line of diamond and gold watches that start at $100,000. It’s the only watch that can tell you when it’s Sixty Nine O’Clock.


Paris Hilton has a line of diamond and gold watches that start at $100,000. This watch is so accurate it tells you with in one one thousandth of a second when it’s time to have sex.


Paris Hilton has a line of diamond and gold watches that start at $100,000. Unlike Timex, this watch takes a lickin’ and keeps on taking a lickin’.


Scorched
Soccer legend George Best, whose funeral was held Saturday in Belfast, Northern Ireland, was a notorious boozer and womanizer. How notorious a boozer and womanizer? When they cremated Best, forty ex-Playboy bunnies, and twenty former super models were scorched by the inferno.


Soccer legend George Best, whose funeral was held Saturday in Belfast, Northern Ireland, was a notorious boozer and womanizer. How much of a boozer and womanizer? Before Best could sleep with a ten, he had to drink her into a twelve.



Not believable
This week, a cable station is showing a movie about the love affair between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, and it’s getting bad reviews. Apparently they didn’t think Janet Reno did a good job playing Camilla.



That’s not good
It’s been reported that Britney Spears had a huge fight with husband Kevin Federline this week and once again threw him out of the house. It’s serious, Kevin had to get a ride back from another house.


It’s been reported that Britney Spears had a huge fight with husband Kevin Federline and once again threw him out of the house. Britney isn’t sure Kevin is mature enough to be a dad. After their baby Sean Preston passed out after his feeding, Kevin shaved off his eyebrows.


Britney Spears had a huge fight with husband Kevin Federline and threw him out of the house and now Kevin is staying at the Beverley Hills Hotel; when asked to comment, Kevin Federline said; “This room rocks Adult Spectra Vision. Dude, I like call it Spankter Vision.”


Who knew?
This week, NBC announced they’re going to take the show “Joey” off the air until after the Olympics. That is shocking. “Joey” is still on the air?


New Motto
Due to dirty political bribery scandals, San Diego has dropped their slogan as “America’s Finest City” Now San Diego’s slogan is “Act casual then drop the envelope in this folded newspaper.”


Hate to hear that
Last week, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner gave birth to a baby girl. Sadly, like all things Ben produces, the baby is expected to fail miserably at the box office and languish in video stores.


Good one
The medals at the upcoming Torino, Italy 2006 Olympics will have a big hole in the middle of them; they got the idea from listening to ESPN’s Michael Irvin’s crack pipe possession alibi.


Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
This year, President Bush sent Christmas cards to the leaders of 200 countries. 203 if you count the cards Bush sent to the countries of Europe, Scandinavia and South America.


Sorta kinda
You know what happened on this date in 1933? We voted to end prohibition. You know which state ratified it? Utah. That’s like Nevada voting for prayer in school.



Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it II
It was kind of embarrassing when CBS gave President Bush an advanced screening of “Pope John Paul II” starring Jon Voight, Bush said; Wow, did you know that Pope John Paul II had a hot daughter named Angelina Jolie?”