We old schooln it up

We old school’n it up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Getting up there, Chuck
Wednesday night was the 40th anniversary of the “Charlie Brown Christmas Special.” You can tell Charlie Brown is getting up there. He’s really not fooling anyone with that bad comb over.


Wednesday night was the 40th anniversary of the ‘Charlie Brown Christmas Special.” You can tell Charlie Brown is getting up there. Now to upset Charlie Brown, instead of pulling away the football, Lucy hides Charlie’s Viagra.


Janice Hough’s
There are talks underway to get a professional football team in Los Angeles. If this works, who knows, they may try to get a professional baseball team in Dodger Stadium.

If Los Angeles gets an NFL team, the name should reflect the city. Like the LA Drivebye Shooters, or the Los Angeles Botoxers, or how about the L.A. High Speed Chasers?


My personal favorite name for the new Los Angeles NFL team is the LA Botoxers. Their motto? “We’ve always got our game face on.”



Not since then
The San Diego Padres have signed ace reliever Trevor Hoffman. There hasn’t been anyone named Trevor this happy since England legalized same sex marriage.



Hate to hear that
The White House and Laura Bush have produced a holiday video featuring first dogs Barney and Miss Beazley called, “It’s a Very Beazley Christmas.” Unfortunately, during the video, Barney had an accident. Barney needed to go out but, sadly, President Bush didn’t have an exit strategy.



Peddle your butt around
Cadillac has launched its own line of quality bicycles. This is the perfect Holiday gift for that pimp on your list who has a ‘ho on the go.



“I’m outta control”
Lindsay Lohan blew off an appearance on “Live with Regis and Kelly” Tuesday morning. I haven’t seen Regis this mad since Kathy Lee tried to slip him a decaf latte.





Big deal. Who isn’t?
“Sports Illustrated” had an article on Olympic mogul gold medal favorite, Jeremy Bloom, who is also a potential great NFL receiver and he is also a buffed-out Ford Agency swimsuit model. Poor guy, we should try and cheer him up and get him a puppy.


“Sports Illustrated” had an article on Olympic mogul gold medal favorite, Jeremy Bloom, who is also a potential great NFL receiver and he is also a buffed-out Ford Agency swimsuit model. Wow. Me too.


Asta la vista, lunch
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger had to be admitted to a hospital yesterday due to a rapid heart beat brought on by stomach flu; Arnold is OK, but that stomach flu really hit him hard. Every time he left the toilet Arnold said; “I’ll be back."


Get it?
Saddam Hussein told the judge to go to hell; Saddam’s lawyer objected, if the judge went to hell, he would be leading the defendant.



Gitty Up
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” features a love scene between the lead gay cowboy characters played by Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger; not to give too much information away, but their love scene brings a new meaning to term: riding bare back.



Since you asked:

It pains me to bring bad news to anyone, but I have to say it is official: I am off Lindsay Lohan’s bandwagon. She’s young, she’ll probably get over it.


Saw the TiVo replay of her appearance last night on the Conan and she is way too much of a bratch. What’s a bratch? Combination brat and bitch. And not just because yesterday she snubbed my girl, Kelly Ripa. No, I grew up in an area that was rife with bratchs, and I can spot one a mile away no matter how phony they appear trying to play nice on a talk show.


The problem with bratchs is that when they get older, they can’t be brats anymore so they have no choice but to fill that void by doubling up on the other part. A former bratch is a nightmare to behold. There was this one girl I dated who I could never figure out. Was she great or a bitch? When we were alone, she was great. When we were around her friends, she was a bitch. During college we became closer and I decided she was really nice. So what is she, a nice girl who gets bitchy or a bitch who can pretend to be nice? Then I saw her at our high school reunion. Guess what? She is a bitch who can occasionally be nice.


Contrary-wise – as Ellsworth on “Deadwood” says – saw that Jennifer Anniston interview replayed on the Letterman and man oh man, she is the real deal, that one. Anyone who has a problem with Jennifer Anniston, well, it says a whole lot more about you than it does her. Smart, talented, funny, sexy, seems very nice despite impossible odds from being so famous. Jennifer Anniston is living proof that cute can go into beautiful. Jennifer? Cute and beautiful. Angelina? Beautiful, but not cute.  With whom would you rather take a long train trip, Jennifer or Angelina? No question, Jen-Jen, as I like to call her.

Hey, you asked.