Thursday, November 03, 2005

November 3

You either playa hatin’ or you ain’t up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bad timing
According to “Women’s Health” magazine, 10:34 on a Saturday night is when the most women will have an orgasm. The bad news? Men fall asleep by 10:30.

It was awkward when President Bush first greeted Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles at the White House. Bush exclaimed; “Hey, Chuck, I didn’t know you knew Bea Arthur.”

It was awkward when President Bush first greeted Prince Charles at the White House and Bush blurted out; “Damn, and I thought I had me some big-ass ears.”

A survey reveals that 54% of lawyers would not represent a terrorist; that’s not really a problem, another survey revealed 90% of terrorists don’t want to stoop to associate with lawyers.

A survey reveals that 54% of lawyers would not represent a terrorist; that’s a tough one, who do you side with, lawyers or terrorists? On the one hand you have merciless ruthless psychos, on the other hand you have terrorists.

Another crime
I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby pleaded not guilty. He’s charged with lying to investigators about leaking the name of CIA agent. In addition, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby was also given the lesser charge of having the name of a seventh grade prep school computer nerd.

You can’t spell BE OK without KOBE
In their opening game the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Denver Nuggets in overtime, 99-97. That’s not even the best news for Laker fans, while in Colorado, Kobe Bryant went out and ate at Applebees instead of ordering-in room service.

This is a big improvement for Kobe. The last time Kobe was working overtime in Colorado he had to give a DNA sample to the Eagle, Colorado police.

Good move
Green Bay Packer coach Mike Sherman walked out of a press meeting due to an unanswered ringing camera man’s cell phone. Good thing he did walk out. It was the Minnesota Vikings calling to invite the Packers on a boat cruise.

We kid the Jets
The New York Jets will face the San Diego Chargers with their fourth string quarterback. Now, don’t want to say the 2-5 Jets are bad, but if they sucked any more they’d be on a drunken boat cruise with the Minnesota Vikings.

Wha’ happen’?
Some people don’t understand technology, the other day I told a girl I didn’t have a palm pilot and asked if she would Google me with her Blackberry. She slapped me.

Not easy
Michael Jackson’s Never Land Ranch is up for sale but it will be a long time until the new owners will be able to move in. Why? Have you ever tried to disinfect an entire ranch?

Since you asked:
As I am proud to be a former Chicagoan and am a die-hard Cubs and a Bear fan, I will tell anyone who will listen in San Diego about how wonderful and fun-loving and funny and nice Chicagoans and Chicago sports fans, are. So what happens?

Friday night I’m playing harmonica with a band at a bar and, as I had just said something about congratulating the White Sox even though I’m a Cub fan, during a break, this guy comes up and identifies himself as a Chicagoan and a huge White Sox fan. He then proceeds to be the biggest douche bag you could meet. He asked if I thought Bob Dylan was the greatest harmonica player ever. As any right-thinking person, I said, absolutely no, I did not think Dylan was the greatest harmonica player ever. This actually pissed him off and he started arguing with me about my own damn opinion on the harmonica.

Sunday, I am waiting for a “to go” order at our local sports bar and there is this grumpy looking older guy in a Cubs hat and a Bear jersey loudly cheering for the Bears. I said something like “Hey, a fellow Bears fan, alright.” He ignores me. No loss. Then the ref proceeds to blow a call against the Bears in favor of the Lions and this constipated jerk starts shouting F-bombs in a crowded restaurant packed with kids.

Believe it or not, running into a-hole Chicago sports fans has been happening to me a lot lately. Please, if you are a Bears and Cubs fan and you are a grumpy, humorless, negative, foul-mouthed angry jerk, do me a favor, don’t tell people you’re a Cubs or Bear fan. You’re making us all look really bad. In fact, you might want to look into becoming a Yankees, Jets or Mets fan. You’ll feel more at home.