We gonna jack it up ‘till we stack it up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Paris, Paris, Paris
Paris Hilton has broken off her engagement to Paris Latsis saying she just isn’t ready. Apparently Parish thought the word forsaking in forsaking all others meant something else entirely.
Paris said she wasn’t prepared to give up her career as a full time skank.
Paris wasn’t prepared to give up her career as a . . . whatever the hell she is.
Paris Hilton has broken off her engagement to Paris Latsis. I guess I’ll have to take back their wedding present of the embroidered bath towels with His and Whores.
FEMA qualified
In a scientific breakthrough, scientists observed a gorilla using a stick to measure how deep a river was before crossing. Do you realize what this means? A gorilla could replace FEMA head Mike Brown.
P.C.U.
The University of North Dakota has been ordered by the NCAA to ditch its nickname, the Fighting Sioux. They are going to change it to the more politically correct: The University of North Dakota Fighting Off-A-Cold.
Quite a record
Today is the 10th anniversary of OJ Simpson’s double murder acquittal. When informed, OJ said, “Wow, it’s been a whole decade since I murdered anyone? That’s pretty damn good.”
Not the head ref
In Dayton Ohio, a legless high school football player, Bobby Martin, was sidelined because a referee ruled Martin couldn’t play without shoes. That is ridiculous, nobody said that referee had to wear a hat even though he clearly doesn’t have any brains.
or
That is ridiculous, nobody said that referee had to wear a jock even though he clearly doesn’t have any testicles.
Let’s go ‘roiding now, everybody’s learning how
A pro surfer, Neco Padaratz, was suspended for testing positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when Padaratz flew into a steroid-induced rage and beat the crap out of a great white shark.
New Research down under
A group of Australian researchers examined sex scenes from movies for the last 20 years and determined that the movies lack messages about safe sex; the researchers also determined that, by getting paid to watch movie sex scenes, they pulled off the greatest scam in medical research.
A group of Australian researchers examined sex scenes from movies for the last 20 years and determined that movies lack messages about safe sex. Who has the nerve to come up with these studies? “Yes, I’d like a grant to study the effects of alcohol intake on sex with super models.”
We have some new official members of a special feature all the good people here at a.L.B.B. like to call:
Lex doesn’t get
Hummers. Oh, sure, go for the cheap “married guys don’t get Hummers” joke.
Matthew McConaughey. This guy is in the Lex Doesn’t Get league with Keanu Reeves.
Matthew McConaughey’s hair. Something ain’t right there.
New England Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick’s entire wardrobe. I also dress like a slob on Sundays but not when I am going to be on national television.
How Ski Resorts and Potpourri and Figurine shops stay in business. I mean I know lift tickets are pricey, but the cost of all the lifts and groomers and the lodge and all the staff? It is my contention that most Potpourri and Figurine shops are actually fronts for the CIA.
“SNL’s” Heratio Sans. He doesn’t even look like he wants to be on the show. He reads off the cue cards like he is reluctantly paying off a bet. Throw a rock at any Open Mike night and you will hit someone funnier than this guy.
The golf bet the Five dollar Nassau. It sounds very sophisticated and classy like something James Bond does, but I don’t get it.
How battle ships and aircraft carriers float. You can explain water displacement until you are blue in the face and it ain’t going to explain to me how all that metal stays on top of the water.
Paris, Paris, Paris
Paris Hilton has broken off her engagement to Paris Latsis saying she just isn’t ready. Apparently Parish thought the word forsaking in forsaking all others meant something else entirely.
Paris said she wasn’t prepared to give up her career as a full time skank.
Paris wasn’t prepared to give up her career as a . . . whatever the hell she is.
Paris Hilton has broken off her engagement to Paris Latsis. I guess I’ll have to take back their wedding present of the embroidered bath towels with His and Whores.
FEMA qualified
In a scientific breakthrough, scientists observed a gorilla using a stick to measure how deep a river was before crossing. Do you realize what this means? A gorilla could replace FEMA head Mike Brown.
P.C.U.
The University of North Dakota has been ordered by the NCAA to ditch its nickname, the Fighting Sioux. They are going to change it to the more politically correct: The University of North Dakota Fighting Off-A-Cold.
Quite a record
Today is the 10th anniversary of OJ Simpson’s double murder acquittal. When informed, OJ said, “Wow, it’s been a whole decade since I murdered anyone? That’s pretty damn good.”
Not the head ref
In Dayton Ohio, a legless high school football player, Bobby Martin, was sidelined because a referee ruled Martin couldn’t play without shoes. That is ridiculous, nobody said that referee had to wear a hat even though he clearly doesn’t have any brains.
or
That is ridiculous, nobody said that referee had to wear a jock even though he clearly doesn’t have any testicles.
Let’s go ‘roiding now, everybody’s learning how
A pro surfer, Neco Padaratz, was suspended for testing positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when Padaratz flew into a steroid-induced rage and beat the crap out of a great white shark.
New Research down under
A group of Australian researchers examined sex scenes from movies for the last 20 years and determined that the movies lack messages about safe sex; the researchers also determined that, by getting paid to watch movie sex scenes, they pulled off the greatest scam in medical research.
A group of Australian researchers examined sex scenes from movies for the last 20 years and determined that movies lack messages about safe sex. Who has the nerve to come up with these studies? “Yes, I’d like a grant to study the effects of alcohol intake on sex with super models.”
We have some new official members of a special feature all the good people here at a.L.B.B. like to call:
Lex doesn’t get
Hummers. Oh, sure, go for the cheap “married guys don’t get Hummers” joke.
Matthew McConaughey. This guy is in the Lex Doesn’t Get league with Keanu Reeves.
Matthew McConaughey’s hair. Something ain’t right there.
New England Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick’s entire wardrobe. I also dress like a slob on Sundays but not when I am going to be on national television.
How Ski Resorts and Potpourri and Figurine shops stay in business. I mean I know lift tickets are pricey, but the cost of all the lifts and groomers and the lodge and all the staff? It is my contention that most Potpourri and Figurine shops are actually fronts for the CIA.
“SNL’s” Heratio Sans. He doesn’t even look like he wants to be on the show. He reads off the cue cards like he is reluctantly paying off a bet. Throw a rock at any Open Mike night and you will hit someone funnier than this guy.
The golf bet the Five dollar Nassau. It sounds very sophisticated and classy like something James Bond does, but I don’t get it.
How battle ships and aircraft carriers float. You can explain water displacement until you are blue in the face and it ain’t going to explain to me how all that metal stays on top of the water.
posted by Alex at
6:16 PM
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