This right here is how it gonna go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Going batty
Scientists claim that the Sars virus comes from bats and recommends that people avoid contact with bats. Kind of like the Los Angeles Dodgers did all season long.


It’s about time
After eight decades, Russia is considering finally burying the body of Vladimir Lenin. If it works we may use the same procedure to finally bury Cher.


Go Red
For the second time this year, a reportedly speeding Lindsay Lohan crashed into a vehicle of paparazzi photographers. On the bright side, this gave Lindsay the idea for her next sequel: “Herbie Fully Imploded.”


Apparently Lindsay was in a hurry to get to her lesson at the Billy Joel School of Driving.

The good news is that Billy Joel and Lindsay Lohan are working on an album combining their greatest hits.

Good news
Have you seen the ABC hit show “Lost”? I don’t want to give anything away, but the big rumor is that on this season of “Lost” U2’s Bono finally finds what he’s been looking for.

Fit for a King
Rodney King was arrested once again this time for assault. After the arrest, King met with the press and said; “Can we all get a long rap sheet?”

Uh, no, Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
Of his Supreme Court nominee, President Bush said “Harriet Mier shares my philosophy.” Embarrassingly, Bush added; “We played softball and, for a skinny gal, that Harriet can throw with a lot of philosophy.”


Since you asked:
As it is my happy duty to keep up with all the top monologues, I stayed watching after my TiVo’d Conan’s monologue and saw part of his interview with Matthew McConaughey, and as weird as his hair is, it is the least weird part about that clown. There are not enough whacks in the word whacko to describe that guy. Odd, goofy, spacey, stoned, off, eerie, creepy, silly, greasy, you name it, he’s got it all.

Also, this McConaughey guy is a serious S talker to the annoyance degree. You know the S talkers? Not a lisp, it is way more affected than an accidental speech impediment. You know, the way they say sssshhhhhtreet instead of street? J.Lo is a notorious S talker.

Sean Connery is an S talker but it works for him. He’s got that way of talking that makes him always sound like he’s chewing on a nice juicy ssssteak, but he gets a passssss. He’s Ssssscottissssh, he’s really cool and he was Jamesssss Frickin’ Bond for the love of decency. McConaughey gets no pass. He’s just annoying.

Matthew works so hard at letting everyone know he’s down to earth. Yeah, we know, you have a trailer and you like to stay in trailer parks. Listen, I saw that thing. It is an incredibly plush and tricked out Air Stream that a studio gave you to promote a movie, down to earth boy.

Who, exactly, gets to decide that dorbs (my new word for combination dork and boob) like him and Keanu Reeves and Brendan Frasier get to be not only movie stars but also action heroes? Brad Pitt? I get. George Clooney? Great even with that cutesy head tilt thing. Colin Ferrill? OK, but barely. Colin’s one more run-the-hand-through-the-thick, lustrous-hair-and-then-scowl away from being a dorb. But Tobey Maguire as a super hero? Loved him as Red Pollard in “Sea Biscuit” but come on.

People, people, people, we can do better than this.

(Polite golf-like applause)