Saturday, October 01, 2005

It whatever you gotta do to get on through, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It is hot. Man, I was sweating like Tom Delay’s campaign treasurer.

What about ironic crime?
The justice department reports the serious crime is down 57%. However sarcastic crime is only up like about a billion percent, duh.

“Uh, no sir, that’s not, oh forget it”
The brush fires continue outside Los Angeles. Again, I don’t think President Bush understands. When informed about the conflagration near Los Angeles, Bush said; “That’s why I want to stamp out pornography, to stop that conflagration.”

German scientists claim having sex makes you more intelligent. Can you imagine how stupid Paris Hilton would be if sex didn’t make her smarter?

German scientists claim having sex makes you more intelligent. Or something like that, I was too busy developing a cure for cancer to read the whole study.

German scientists claim having sex makes you more intelligent. In a related story, poor Laura Bush must be one lonely and frustrated woman.

Burger King has launched a breakfast sandwich with eggs, sausage, bacon and ham called Meat’normus. Apparently it is stroke’licious.

Caught a break there
Scientists report our polar caps are melting at an alarming rate. Devastating hurricanes, raging brush fires, melting polar caps. Good thing the White House says we don’t have global warming or we would be in big trouble.

One or the other
President Bush has asked people to stay home and not drive anywhere to conserve gas. Bush has to make up his mind, we can either stay home all day or we can cut down on pornography, we can’t do both.

Sad truth
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are reportedly getting $6 million in various endorsement deals for their baby. Sixteen days old and the baby already has a job and has earned more then his dad ever will.

Enough is enough
Donald Trump and his wife are expecting a baby. Is that what we really need, something else with Trump’s name on it?

Low numbers
The rating for “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” are not a good thing. To show how bad it is, Martha used to have more people watch her in the shower at prison.

Getting dogged
Lance Armstrong’s yellow Labrador, Rex, had to have heart surgery but is doing fine. Lance used to have a French Poodle but it didn’t work, the French Poodle kept booing Lance and accusing him of cheating.

One giant step for gorilla kind
In a landmark breakthrough, scientists observed a gorilla using a stick to measure how deep a river was before proceeding. Do you realize what this means? A gorilla could replace FEMA head Mike Brown.

Good news, bad news
San Diego Chargers running back LaDanian Tomlinson became the second player to throw a touchdown, catch five passes, rush for over 100 yards, and score at least three touchdowns. The first? Frank Gifford. The bad news for LT? Now he has to marry a phony hammy cornball woman who yammers incessantly about their children Cody and Cassidy on national TV.