Saturday, May 21, 2005

Though we may be few, we are mighty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And the winner is Red
A new study has found that teams that have red in their uniforms are more likely to win. In a related story, the tied-for-last Cincinnati Reds announced they have just run out of excuses.

Oh goody
This week the Senate voted to set up a Federal commission to regulate boxing. First they investigated steroids in baseball, football and basketball, now the Senate is working with boxing. Apparently congress is through ruining the budget so now they are focusing on messing up sports.

That’s all we need, the government in sports. Pretty soon going to a game will have the same vibrant sensation of renewing your driver’s license at the D.M.V.

If the government was involved in sports, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim would be named the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and of, but not affiliated with, California and the United States of America, any use of this team other than that by Major League fans, shall be prohibited and subject to Federal Prosecution. Or, otherwise, as:

The L.A.A.O.A.A.O.B.N.A.W.C.A.T.U.S.A.A.U.T.O.M.L.F.S.B.P.F.P’s.

Not on the juice
The NBA has begun a crack down on performance enhancing drugs. One guy they don’t have to worry about? NBA MVP Steve Nash. The guy is a genius/artist/superstar during the game, but before and after the game, he looks like he got lost looking for the comic book convention.

After an upsetting trade from Dallas to the Phoenix Suns, NBA MVP Steve Nash had an amazing series to knock the Mavericks out of the Western finals. That is the NBA equivalent of introducing the girl who dumped you before the prom to your date for the ten-year-high-school reunion: “Heather, I’d like you to meet Miss Angelina Jolie.”

Go Friars
The San Diego Padres are putting the Pad in Padres with a half game lead in their division. It really helps San Diego that a loop-hole in the local no-touch stripper rule now also applies to the Padres at home plate.

Creative guy
In a city council bribery trial involving strip clubs in San Diego, a key witness is an F.B.I. informant who goes by the name Tony Montagna, the exact same pronunciation as Al Pacino’s mob character in “Scarface.” Are you kidding? Was the name Vito Corleone already taken?

Presidential ire
President Bush says he is still angry at Newsweek for a false story they ran about interrogators flushing a Koran down the toilet. It’s not the flushing part that upset Bush, he just thought the article had way too many big words.

In addition, Bush is also upset at Highlights magazine because he couldn’t find the lollipop in the Hidden Picture.

It was awkward, when asked why he was so disconcerted, President Bush replied; “I think it was all that jogging.”

Since you asked:
For potential marketing and advertising reasons, I have begun monitoring the “hits” on this pathetic blog. How many hits does it get? Let’s put it this way: If you are reading this, you are part of a unique, special and exclusive minority.

Florida Marlins pitcher Al Lieter has more hits and he swings a bat like a high-heeled drunken debutante going for the Piñata.

Unless one of my loyal readers are spend-aholics Paris Hilton and or Michael Jackson, I don’t think anyone is going to advertise here. And Michael is now reportedly broke. And I have made far too many mean and bad jokes about Paris. Well, both, actually.

In all candor, for a non-advertised, non-promoted, word-of-mouth free blog, the going concern that are all the good people here that make up a.L.b.b., we do pretty well. There is a relatively small but loyal and elite following.

All I have to do is think of a gimmick to attract more folks from the Red States. Hmm.

Did you hear the one about the born-again NASCAR driver packing a .45 Magnum?

OK, so, granted, that will need some work.

(Oh, I kid the Red States. I was born in a Red State)