Friday, May 20, 2005

This just in:
A British tabloid published a shot of Saddam Hussein in jail in his underpants. Who could have ever guessed that the name of a murderous dictator Saddam Hussein and the term tighty whities would ever go together?

That just ain’t right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Their performances were enhanced?
The NBA has begun cracking down on performance enhancing drugs. Can you imagine how bad the Los Angeles Clippers will be if they’ve been on performance enhancing drugs and have to stop?

The NBA has begun cracking down on performance enhancing drugs. Except for the Los Angeles Clippers, in their case the NBA is prescribing performance enhancing drugs.

Or as the Los Angeles Clippers call performance enhancing drugs: performance less-sucking drugs.

Or something like that
According to “Newsweek” magazine, 17% of men look at porn while they are at work. This trend of men looking at porn at work is what they now call thinking inside the box.

Our writers would never look at porn at work. Hey, did you hear the one about . . . wow, I didn’t know a donkey could do that?

According to USA Today, the latest traveling trend is naked tours. Forget about airlines throwing away their pillows, throw away the seat cushions after the flights with the naked tours. We’ll sit on the floor, that’s fine.

A British tabloid published shots of Saddam Hussein in jail in his underpants. The U.S. Military will punish whoever leaked the photos, however, on the bright side, the photos of Hussein in his underpants are proving to be an amazingly effective diet aid.

A British tabloid published a shot of Saddam Hussein in jail in his underpants. I don’t want to get too explicit, but in the picture you can see Hussein’s boys and I don’t mean Uday and Qusay.

Enough already
OK, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are an item, we get it. Stop the press releases. Even Donald Trump is saying; “Enough hype. Don’t you two have any shame?”

Ah ha
Italian officials say they’ve arrested horse owners who were feeding Viagra to their racehorses; This explains why, at a horse race in Milan, a male and female horse finished together as one entry.

Makes sense
The only girl in an Oakfield, NY, little league game, 11-year-old Katie Brownell, pitched a perfect game striking out 32 of 33 batters and she has a .711 batting average. In a related story, New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has applied to adopt Katie Brownell.

For some reason
Star Wars merchandise has been selling through the roof lately; plastic light sabers, Darth Vadar figures and Jedi costumes are flying out the stores. The only Star Wars item that isn’t moving? The Star Wars condoms.

Debate 101 with Professor Paris Hilton
This is somewhat amazing. Did you know that Pauly Shore’s sister teaches a class in comedy? And she’s the unfunny one in the family. It’s sort of like taking a painting class from Stevie Wonder.

That’s bad
Former Cleveland Brown high draft pick Kellen Winslow Jr., who missed his rookie season with a broken leg, now is rumored to have torn his knee up in a motorcycle accident; at this rate even Ryan Leaf is making fun of Winslow’s NFL career.

Since you asked;

When it comes to embarrassingly sickening baby talk names for animals and children, I am a firm believer in the spontaneous blurting out of random extemporaneous free association thoughts. That way you are sure to get something different, and truly repulsively annoying. Nothing worse than stale and boring baby talk names.

So this is what I did yesterday to my two Labs, Kasey and Wrigley. Kasey has a cute worried little white bear face – she is ten – and Wrigley has the countenance of a James Thurber cartoon dog: all sweet, puppyish and houndoggy. (Puking yet?)

So the other night, I bound out to the grill to flip the garlic marinated lamb loin chops, see the dogs and blurt out loudly over the whaling Little Walter harmonica on the outdoor speakers, in the most drippingly disgusting baby talk voice a theoretically grown man could muster:

“Hey there, Miss Bitty Boop and Mister Mugwhumps.”

Then I look up to see my somewhat stuffy neighbor staring at me over the fence with an expression like he had just stepped in a steaming pile of elephant dung.

Mission accomplished.

Those names are so ridiculously stupid and cute, I think they may stick for a while.

(All non-pet owners feel free to get ill now)