Wednesday, April 20, 2005

We about ten times kinda crazy up in this blizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We kid George the W
President Bush attended the Lincoln library dedication. Bush was a little disappointed in the Lincoln library: it doesn’t have a hooked-on-phonics section.

The new Abraham Lincoln Presidential library is different the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential library. For example, the Lincoln library does not have a champagne room for private lap dances.

It was a little awkward at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential library opening. President Bush praised Lincoln as a great President and a visionary car maker of fine luxury sedans.

You know it’s bad when . . .
The testimony from the mother of Michael Jackson’s accuser isn’t going well at all for the prosecution. It’s so bad the prosecution is thinking of calling up a less damaging, much more mentally stable and credible source then the Mother: Michael Jackson.

Of course
We knew that the Vatican had picked a Pope when the smoke went from black to white. Today Jesse Jackson accused the Vatican of being biased against black smoke.

Radio: it’s a good thing
Martha Stewart has a deal with Sirius satellite radio. Radio will be better for Martha than television, now she won’t have to wait until commercial breaks to slap her underlings.

Since being convicted of lying about insider trading to federal prosecutors, Martha Stewart has been sentenced to her luxury estate, has signed numerous book and television deals and now she has a radio show. Well, if that doesn’t teach her not to break the law, nothing will.

In Seoul, South Korea, a bunch of elephants escaped from an amusement park and rampaged through the streets. It was scary. It was like the time Kirstie Alley, Rueben Stoddard and Michael Moore all showed up at the same time at Dennys.

Sir Paul
Paul McCartney is going out on tour this year. I think the name of the 62 year-old Beatle’s tour is dubbed the “Where Are My Reading Glasses?” tour.

62-year-old Paul McCartney is going out on tour this year. Some of the lyrics have changed because he is older. Now McCartney sings;

“Yesterday, I had to scream at punks to go away, ‘cause my lawn is not where they should play.”

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, but now I need a change of my Depends today”

You can tell McCartney is getting older, now when he hears a Beatles song he grouses; “That noise will never catch on.”

Trump in the news? I’m shocked
Donald Trump said that the Norwegian Line ship slammed by a 70-foot wave during a storm was slated to be on an episode of his hit show "The Apprentice." That ship was lucky, it could have been worse; instead of a 70 ft wave, it could have been hit by a visit from Omarosa.

To aid in repair of the ship, Trump generously offered the services of the guy who welds together his comb-over.

Kind of sort of
A survey revealed 19% of people answer their cell phones during sex. Sort of brings new meaning to the cell phone accessory: the headset.

Ice for Rover
Paris Hilton is launching a line of jewelry for dogs. Upon hearing this, many dogs replied; “Listen, forget the jewelry, just give me back my family jewels and I’ll be happy.”

Wow, jewelry for dogs, what an interesting idea; who would have ever thought that Paris Hilton could think outside the box?

(And I was doing so well until this next crappy joke)

You’ve heard of the street term for jewelry bling bling? Now with dog jewelry we got bark spark.

Watch for the telltale signs
At a Kansas City book signing, a Vietam Veteran spit tobacco juice in Jane Fonda's face. She should have suspected there would be a problem when they guy asked her to sign his book to;

"Guy who got shot at by the same Vietcong machine gun nest in which you sat and laughed."