What it is, what it was, what it shall be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Take it really easy
The Eagles are on tour. The Eagles are starting to get up there in age. Have you heard their latest single? It’s called “Life in the Fast Ramp.”

Wha’ the?
I had a rough day today. I told a girl I didn’t have my palm pilot and asked her if she would let me Google on her Blackberry and she slapped me.

Set my people free
An image of the Virgin Mary has appeared on a highway underpass in Chicago. Do you think that’s a miracle? That's not a miracle. Now if the Cubs win the World Series, that will be a miracle.

Oh, that’s not right
In Seoul, South Korea, six elephants escaped from an amusement park and rampaged through the streets. A crowd of Koreans defused the situation when they surrounded the elephants and ate them.

Mean, we’re talking real mean here
Camilla Parker Bowles postponed a solo visit to see patients at a hospital in Southern England. That’s a good idea, haven’t those people have suffered enough?

Speaking of Camilla and hospitals, did you know that Camilla once caught the flesh eating virus? She’s fine, the flesh eating virus took one look at Camilla and decided to become a vegetarian.

Honest mistake
President Bush's nominee for ambassador to the United Nations may have trouble getting confirmed. I can see why, he is annoying, arrogant, obnoxious, has really bad hair and is a way- over-the-top corny singer. Wait, that’s Michael Bolton, not John Bolton. Sorry, wrong Bolton.

Getting a hand on the situation
The California woman who claimed she found a human fingertip in a bowl of Wendi’s chili was arrested. Somebody must have fingered her.
When asked why the woman was arrested, the police said that they got a hot tip.

They might drop the second one
The California woman who claimed she found a human fingertip in a bowl of Wendi’s chili was arrested. She was arrested on a warrant alleging grand larceny. In addition she was given the lesser charge of impersonating Mike Tyson.

That’s about right
A Cal State survey found that 63 % of Californians referred to friends as "dude." The other 37% only speak Spanish.

Bennifer, act two
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are engaged. Ben is happy, he can still keep his towels from J. Lo that have Bennifer embroidered on them.

Yeeooow
The Chicago Cubs Nomar Garciaparra was diagnosed with a ruptured groin. Ouch. Ruptured groin? Those are two words guys don’t ever want combined. The only two worse words you could combine are exploded and testicle.

The Chicago Cubs Nomar Garciaparra will be out for three months with a ruptured groin. Or, as his wife, soccer great Mia Hamm, calls three months of resting Nomar’s groin: the longest 2,184 hours of her life.

It seems Garciaparra’s groin didn’t become fully ruptured until after it was initially injured earlier. The probable cause of Garciaparra’s initial groin injury? Well, my guess is because his wife, Mia Hamm, is retired from soccer, if you get what I mean.

New names
The Anaheim Angels are now the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. That must make the Dodgers the Los Angeles Dodgers of Chavez Ravine, the Yankees the New York Yankees of the Bronx and the most appropriately named team of them all: the New York Mets of Flushing.

That means I still have a shot
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richey had a bad falling out. That means that Nicole Richey is the only person on the planet who has absolutely no chance of having sex with Paris Hilton.

Since you asked:
When you are awake, you control your thoughts. When you are dreaming, your thoughts control you. Oh . . . my . . .

(Crushingly loud sarcastic applause)

Called my buddies office. An assistant/receptionist answered and I asked to talk to Mark. She said;

"He's out of the office. Do you have his cell number?" I said;

"No, that would be great, thanks." She said;

"Oh, I can't give it to you, I just wondered if you had it."

That's a crack team you got over there, O'Snickity Snake.