Tuesday, April 19, 2005

We got us the funk rubbed up on us in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good, no
According to witnesses, the testimony of the mother of Michael Jackson’s accuser isn’t going well; the more she talks the worse she sounds. In fact, if she damages their case any more, the prosecution is going to hire Robert Blake to shoot her.

Pope smoke
The way it worked at the Vatican is when they emitted black smoke they hadn’t picked a Pope; but when they emitted white smoke, they’d picked a Pope. But if they had emitted purple lavender-scented smoke, then that means they picked Ryan Seacrest as Pope.

And if the smoke had come out black and then slowly turned white, then that means that they had picked Michael Jackson as Pope.

The Cardinals picked Joseph Ratzinger as the new Pope. He has taken the name Benedict XVI, or as President Bush now calls him, ol’ Benny the Ex Vee Eye.

When informed of Benedict XVI, President Bush said, “What kind of last name is Zah-vee-eye?”

When asked to comment about Benedict XVI, President Bush said; “Well, I just hope he is more loyal than his ancestor, Benedict Arnold.”

The Cardinals picked Joseph Ratzinger as the new Pope. Wow, that’s impressive, from playing Cliff Claven on “Cheers” to being Pope. That’s quite an improvement.

The Vatican couldn’t seem to pick a Pope. Either that or they desperately needed to get someone to clean their chimney.

We knew that the Vatican had picked a Pope when the smoke went from black to white. It’s the same system Tito Jackson uses on when to change the oil in his ’68 Volkswagon van.

I have to get this, then I'll get that
A survey reveals that 19% of people will answer their cell phone during sex. What guys hate is when a woman answers her e-mails and sends a fax during sex.

A survey reveals that 19% of people will answer their cell phone during sex. That number, however, goes way down for women if their phone is set on vibrate. They’ll let it ring.

It ain't "Sesame Street"
Have you heard of “The Puppetry of the Penis?” Two Australian guys tour sold out shows making images by manipulating their genitals. Here’s my question: How bored do you have to be to come up with penis puppets? Buy a Yo Yo for heavens sake. Do the crossword puzzle.

Really, these guys make puppets out of their genitals. This is not a good first date, guys. “Wow, how about that guy who made the elephant, wasn’t that something?”

It a good thing . . . she's on radio
Martha Stewart has a deal with Sirius satellite radio. Martha will discuss cooking tips, gardening secrets, decorating ideas and how she shiv’d that bitch that squealed to the guards about her stash.

Radio might be a better way to go then television for Martha. This way she can’t scare people off with her prison dragon neck tattoo.

Since you asked:

Our youngest dog, Wrigley, thinks he can talk.

No, I’m not one of those whackos who really thinks their dog talks, I’m saying Wrigley thinks he can talk. He makes these hilarious sounds when he is excited or frustrated that I am convinced he thinks imitates us talking. It’s like when a little kid says; “Wang ching whah chew hoy” and they think they are really talking in Chinese. Wrigley sounds more like “The Jetsons” Astro except without the correct pronunciation.

Harmless Guilty Pleasure:
In addition to Amy Sedaris, I have a new harmless guilty pleasure: Sarah Vowell. She is a writer who speaks on public radio’s “This American Life” and is also the teenage girl voice, Violet, in the Disney cartoon “The Incredibles.” Very funny woman. Witty. Self deprecating. Smart. Her voice sounds like a six-year-old book worm.

Sarah is currently touring the talk shows promoting her book “The Assassination Vacation.” I am getting that on CD for my upcoming Santa Barbara drive. If my wheel doesn’t almost come off, like last time, it should be a nice drive.

Sarah and Conan O’Brien are hilarious together because they share the same interests. He is the voice of Todd Lincoln on her book’s CD. O’Brien asks her to explain how she connects the President Garfield assassination to Fox’s show “The O.C.” She says “Well, I think it is self-explanatory, but. . .”And then she does it.

With Letterman she described the President Garfield assassin as such a loser he was the only guy living in a free sex commune who couldn’t get laid.

Wouldn’t that suck to be shot by a huge loser? It would be bad enough to be shot by a cool guy. At least Lincoln got shot by an actor the Laaaadies loved.

Like I’ve Said Before
As I have mentioned, this blog is sort of like picking your nose in your car: you tend to forget other people can see it.

Called my buddy yesterday, his nice, sweet, little pre-teenage daughter – and regular a.L.b.B reader - answered and said;

“Hello, D*ckhead.”

Not to change topics, but . . .
You know what I would love? To be so successful at something I could be a grump all the time, like Russell Crowe. Just read where Russell Crowe broke up with his band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, through the newspaper. He has played with these guys for 12 years, toured the world and, like that, breaks up with them in a newspaper article. Asked if they were surprised, his band mates said, no, it was typical for him.

I send ten apology e-mails when I can’t make a band’s rehearsal.

It probably wouldn’t be the best career move to be a really grumpy comedy writer, but it would be fun all the same. That’s what I love the most about not working in an office all the time. I don’t have to give a cheerful hello to someone I don’t particularly like ten times a day every time I pass them in the hall.

You wouldn’t believe the work I used to put into saying hello differently. Hi. How’s she goin’? Howdy. How are you? What’s up? Hey. Hey there. What’s happening? Yo.

Sometimes I even made that gitty-up clicky-click noise along with a pistol- finger-point and it doesn’t get any more annoying then that.

You know, a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse. Oh my.

(Polite applause)

My favorite annoying office hello? There you are. What the hell does that mean? There you are? Of course they’re there. Where else would they be? If they weren’t you wouldn’t be able to talk to them.

Seriously, I’m going to have to start charging for this stuff.