Monday, April 18, 2005

This just in:
Black smoke is coming out of the Vatican meaning the Cardinals have not picked a new Pope yet, when white smoke comes out they’ve picked a Pope. So, apparently, Willy Nelson has picked a Pope.

Keepin’ the deal all real wit da schpeal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that’s just mean
The world’s only know combination Whale and Dolphin –or Wholphin - gave birth to a calf. Congratulations to the little Wholphin baby calf, I think they named her Kirstie.

Are you glad tax time is over? Man, I had to pay a ton of money. Of course, a lot of that went to bribing Republican Majority leader Tom DeLay.

You have to pay, taxes because the money goes to running the government. Well, running the government and paying off Republican Majority leader Tom DeLay’s relatives.

Baseball shocker
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is extremely upset with his team. In other equally shocking baseball news: a fan put mustard on a hot dog.

Collaboration by Janice Hough and her fire-ball throwing pitcher son with a little help from me
Did you see that Domino's has introduced a Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza? How fat and lazy are we getting when we have to pile all of our junk food on top of each other? “Yeah, and can I get some Cheetos, Pork Rinds and Snickers bars on that Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza?”

They put the ache in Lakers
The wheels of the Los Angeles Lakers have come off. It looks as if they aren’t even trying anymore. It is so bad, the Lakers are starting to embarrass the L.A. Clippers.

The Lakers are playing so bad it has put Kobe Bryant off of his room service food.

Nice name
Baseball’s new Washington National’s unveiled their mascot, a baby eagle named Screech. Screech? Apparently the annoying sitcom character names Urkel and Horshack were already taken.

How . . . slow . . . was . . . she?
Steroid beleaguered sprinter Marion Jones finished dead last in the Mt. Sac 400 meters. How slow was Jones? She was passed in the third turn by the Dominoes delivery guy hurrying to get a pizza to the shot putters.

That’s what you get
President Bush’s approval rating is the lowest ever at around 46% primarily because of the war in Iraq. See, that proves you just can’t go dive into someplace without enough information or without adequate protection, I mean that’s how Kevin Federline got Britney Spears pregnant.

Since you asked:
All of my friends, when we talk on the phone or get together, each mentally descend to about the age of 14. We love to verbally abuse each other just for the fun of it. If you heard our phone conversations you’d think we were all named “D*ckhead.” (To wit the usual response is; “Hey, hey, hey, that would be Mister D*ckhead to you, Pal.” We think we are very funny)

One time I called a friend at his office, and I, distracted for some reason, forgot to abuse him, and just said, almost like a normal human being; “Hello Frank.” He heard my voice and then, naturally, laid into me; “Ahh go “f&*k” yourself, d*ckhead.” The “mess with your buddy” light bulb went off and I immediately hung up on him.

Sure enough, a minute later, he called back with disappointment in his voice:

“Why’d you just hang up on me?”

“What are you talking about?” I lied, “I didn’t call you.”

“Yeah you did, you said “Hello Frank” I gave you hard time, like usual, and then you hung up on me. Why did you hang up on me?”

Trying as hard as I could not to laugh I said;

“Nah, sorry, Pal, that wasn’t me.”

“Really?” There was a long pause and then he said, “Uh oh,” with much concern in his voice.

“What’s the matter, Frank?” I said, biting my lip. Frank cleared his voice, and in a very somber tone said;

“Well, apparently I’ve been quite rude to one of my clients.”

Saw a right cute movie
Have you seen “Spanglish”? Gotta admit, kinda impressed with Adam Sandler’s range. Oh, and Tea Leoni? If you thought her character was over the top – and I could see how you would, I mean, who could be that much of a psycho beeyatch?- take her up three notches in psycho hyper energy, make her talk even faster and, although they don’t look anything the same, she is exactly like this women I know. Scary isn’t even close to describing her.

Many times I have begged my talented comedy and award winning editorial cartoon drawing friend, Steve Kelley, to draw a luxury SUV speeding off of the ground with a early 40’ish platinum blonde soccer Mom on her cell phone with a caption saying;

“Carol, this is Margot, I’m so late for our Zen Meditation class I think I ran someone over.”

Tea’s character also reminded me of this other nightmare woman I used to know in that she also combined an almost impossible-to-do-and-wildly-annoying mind-boggling narcissism, vanity, snootiness and naked and shallow greediness almost impossibly with crippling insecurity and paranoia.

This woman was able to live in constant and total agony in the utter belief that she was being harshly judged and criticized by everyone on the planet yet at the same time she held everyone - besides herself and a few of her b-list pseudo celebrity de jour friends - in utter contempt.

How someone can balance all of that at the same time is beyond the ability of teams of psychiatrist to explain. Why on earth would you care if people are judging you when you think everybody else is essentially worthless?

She was a lot of fun to be around. I miss her. Like I miss bad skin and braces from junior high. If you're thinking, Lex, what if she reads this, won't she get mad? Don't worry, she thinks everything she reads is about her anyway.

That’s how we play, “Don’t get on Alex’s bad side today,” Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

O’Snake, don’t start. It’s good to vent.

My Pope status update:

OK, who is this clown they claim is the Pope front runner, Joseph Ratzinger? Just because the guy starred as Cliff Claven in "Cheers" in the Eighties, I don't think that makes him anymore qualified to be Pope than a baptised-as-but-now-a-fallen Methodist obscure comedy writer.

I must be candid, I'm not feeling the love from the Vatican at this point.