Thursday, March 31, 2005

This playa what done be the playa playin' hurt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s Spring Break. Or as it as also known: Spring “I hope the condom doesn’t” Break.

We're moving out
President Bush is going to ask Congress to further loosen immigration laws. That means all U.S. Citizens, pack your bags; we’re trading places with Mexico.

Must Not See TV
“The Apprentice’s” Omarossa and Jose Conseco are going to be in a reality show. I think it’s called “The Bitch and the Snitch.”

Bless Bush's heart
President Bush’s approval rating is down to 45%. Or as Bush calls 45%, a big number followed by that O-slash-O-thingy.

A dog that good . . .
A Chinese man has trained his dog to walk on his hind legs for five miles. Well, he didn’t actually have to train the dog to walk on his hind legs, he’d eaten the dog’s front legs.

Let's face facts
A survey in “Cosmopolitan” revealed that 65% of men said they would sleep with a woman they’re not dating. The other 35% said they would sleep with a woman they’re not even vaguely familiar with.

Burger King has the enormous omelet sandwich, 750 calories and 47 grams of fat. Their slogan? “Nothing starts your day like a coronary embolism.”

Not many left
Carl’s Jr. has a 1,400 calorie monster burger. This is for those few people who actually survived Burger King’s enormous omelet sandwich.

Spin doctors
In California, a woman ordered Wendy’s chili and bit into a severed finger. Wendy’s is trying to put a positive spin on it. Their new slogan is: “We can keep the price of your meal down to one digit.”

The finger-in-Wendy’s-chili story pretty much disproves the theory that there is no such thing as bad publicity.

E.C. will always be my boy
Rock guitar-legend Eric Clapton turned 60 this week. You can tell Clapton is getting older. Have you heard Clapton’s revised version of “Cocaine”? It’s now called “Rogaine.”

The Los Angeles Lakers finally snapped an eight game losing streak. Or as the New Orleans Hornets call an eight game losing streak: A road trip.

Tell me you didn't see this one coming
In Malibu, road workers discovered a severed human foot. Or as Wendy’s calls it: “Today’s Special.”

Ten second rule
“Cosmopolitan” magazine claims a man can get a woman to orgasm in ten seconds. All the guy has to do is say; “Hey, is that Brad Pitt?”

Miss Understanding
On “Oprah” Lisa Marie Presley said she did consummate her marriage with Michael Jackson. Turns out she really said they consommé’d their marriage, yeah, they had soup together.

I hate that
Don’t you hate those sneaky office thieves that steal food? Today, I went to our coffee room refrigerator and discovered that somebody ate the finger out of my bowl of Wendy’s chili.

At this point
A presidential panel determined that U.S. intelligence was “dead wrong” on weapons of mass destruction. Can we still call it U.S. Intelligence at this point? Shouldn’t it be U.S. Uninformed Wild Guesses?

If he's not real careful
A judge ruled that rap mogul Suge Knight has to pay $107 million for reneging on a business deal. Suge Knight has been to prison for assault, weapons violations and breaking the terms of his parole. In fact, if he’s not careful, Suge could actually give rap music a bad reputation.

At this rate Assist Janice Hough
The Washington Nationals will play their first game ever. Everyone in Washington is excited, the Nationals are the old Montreal Expos, and, what with the exchange rate, the Nationals should only suck .825685 % as much as the Expos did.

Since you asked:
Not sure what atrocity I committed – probably one of my Michael Jackson jokes – but, due to divine retribution, the big, big, big guy upstairs has decided, in his infinite wisdom, to turn me into a human nose blowing machine.

Like those British soldiers fighting off the countless waves Zulu warriors, I’ve been nobly fighting off a cold for a week. So what did I do yesterday? Worked out real hard, so that I was soaked with sweat, and then walked home from the gym just as the sun set, the temperature dropped and the wind picked up.

As Tom Hank’s Forrest Gump once said; “I’m not a smart man.”

As you all know, Slats and Nuggies, I’m nothing if not a cautious optimist, so I like to look at the bright side of a cold. It gives us time to reflect on what ingrate whiners we are for not appreciating how good we feel when we don’t have a cold.

Let’s give –as the kids say – a shout out to our youngest and mostest bestest buddy, a.L.b.B. reader little Julia Woods. Julia said she doesn’t get a lot of these jokes. (tear-of-pride-wipe) They grow up to be so smart so fast. Rock on, Who-lia, and whatever you do, do NOT do anything your Dad tells you to do. Do you hear me, young lady?

(Polite applause)

Let’s answer one reader letter.

Dear Lex;

Is it possible to die from a cold?

Just wondering.

Dr. Ruth

Dear Dr. Ruth;

No, it is not possible to die from a common cold. But it is possible to die from listening to me complain about having a cold.