Tuesday, March 29, 2005

It gonna do what it do when it do what it do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy Easter and Bunny Day
Hope you had a nice Easter. Me? I spent mine, as usual, in quiet reflection tying to figure out the connection between a major religious holiday and a massive bunny hiding colored eggs.

Hate to see that
There was an awkward moment during the White House Easter Egg hunt. One child proudly announced he found a chocolate bunny. When informed no chocolate bunnies were hidden, Barney the first dog was quickly escorted off the White House lawn.

Actors can’t get away with everything
Tom Sizemore has been sentenced to 17 months in jail for violating probation by failing seven drug tests. When will these actors learn? They can’t get away with breaking the law unless, of course, they kill their wife.

Like teaching the French how to kiss
Colleges, like Colby College in Maine, are teaching 21-year-olds how to drink. They have classes where they drink wine and beer and they try to teach students how to drink responsibly. Is this necessary? “No, no, you’re holding the beer bong the wrong way, the funnel goes up.”

“Remember, guys, if your date is puking, it’s always polite to hold her hair.”

A boy in Australia had both hands and a foot reattached after a basketball injury. The kid lost his hands and a foot playing basketball? Apparently he was playing one on one against a wood chipper.

Watching the NCAA men’s basketball tournament I think we now need to officially proclaim that the players are no longer wearing what can be referred to as shorts. They are officially half pants half shorts so either we call them ports or shants.

Oh, that, no, come on, let’s not generalize
India is furious that the U.S. is going to sell F16 fighter jets to Pakistan. What’s the big deal? Pakistan is just going to convert the jets into turbo powered slurpy machines anyway.

Not a good sign
The Los Angeles Lakers are below .500% and are probably out of the playoffs. To show how bad it is, Jack Nicholson tried to give his courtside tickets away and Pauly Shore turned them down.

Big Sanguido
Burger King is making an omelet sandwich that is over 730 calories and 47 grams of fat. To show you how many calories that is, if you can eat an entire sandwich you have to change your name to Kirstie.

Let’s get it together
The two sides of the Terri Schiavo ordeal are nowhere close. The husband says she is brain dead and about to die, and her parents are practically booking her a spot to race in the Tour de France.

In hindsight
With the Los Angeles Lakers in shambles, many are questioning owner Dr. Jerry Buss’s decision to side with Kobe Bryant over everyone else. In fact, siding with Kobe is starting to make Custer’s decision that Sitting Bull was bluffing seem fairly insightful.

Is it just me?
They have discovered soft tissue and blood of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and now scientists say could clone the T-Rex. Excuse me, but am I the only one who remembers what happened in both “Jurassic Park” movies?

Since you asked:
All I needed to know about Sammy Sosa was that Mark Grace despised him. Mark Grace was the epitome of a team player, an unselfish baseball leader. When he could no longer stand to be around Sosa – a part of the reason he left for the Diamondbacks - we should have seen what was coming with Sammy the primma donna.

Remember how everybody loved Sammy Sosa during the epic home run race with Mark McGwire? At the Hillerich and Bradsby shareholder meeting I had a chance to ask the guy in charge of Major League Baseball contracts why Sammy didn’t exclusively use a Louisville Slugger. You could see the color run out of his face at the mention of Sosa’s name. Suffice it to say that this man would have rather negotiated with Saddam Hussein than Sammy Sosa.

When Mark Grace returned to Wrigley Field as a Diamondback, he was greeted with cheers. When Sammy Sosa returns to Wrigley as a Baltimore Oriole, he will be roundly booed. Both will have deserved what they got.