Friday, April 01, 2005

Get your weekend on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A dog by any other name

A Chinese man has trained his dog to walk on his hind legs for five miles. Or as they call that dog in China: A Moveable Feast.

Cuddle up

The question of Michael Jackson cuddling with his accusor came up at the trial. That proves it. Now we know Michael Jackson isn’t a male anymore: He likes to cuddle.

And they caught Miss Deaf Wisconsin with an iPod
The winner of Wisconsin’s Ms. Wheel chair lost her title because a newspaper photo shows her standing up. You think she’s upset about losing her title? Wait until you see all her retroactive tickets for parking in the handicap spot.

Cluck and pluck
Sadly, chicken magnate Frank Perdue passed away. That’s too bad. This guy could really cut up a chicken. Why, it was poultry in motion.

Insult to injury
At a speech in Michigan, right winger Pat Buchanon was doused with salad dressing. You know what really upset the pro-military hawkish Buchanon? It was French dressing.
Use your imagination

The search is on for the owner of the missing Wendy’s chili finger. You know whose finger I think it is? (Picture of Homer Simpson and his four finger’d hand)

How do you not know if you lost a finger? Is there some Wendy employing wondering; “Why is it I can clip my fingernails so quickly lately? Oh my word, I just noticed, I’m missing a finger.”

The worst kind of shrinkage
A disgruntled former employee is accusing Lance Armstrong of using steroids. Maybe it’s just me, but if I only had one testicle left, the last thing I would take is something that would shrink it.

You know it’s just your foolish pride (Courtesy of Janice Hough)
Guitar legend Eric Clapton turned 60 this week. You can tell Eric is getting older, now when he plays Layla he sings; “Layla, you got me on my knees . . . and I can’t get up.”

Guitar legend Eric Clapton turned 60 this week. You can tell Eric is getting older. Now he sings, “I shot the sheriff . . . or was it the deputy? I can’t seem to remember.”

Not very Fonda her
Jane Fonda told “Sixty Minutes” that she had participated in threesomes in her first marriage. That’s nothing. When she went to Hanoi in 1972, she screwed over 100,000 U.S. soldiers.

A sure sign
“Sixty Minutes” claims Carolina Panther punter Todd Sauerbrun used steroids. They became suspicious when it was discovered that Sauerbrun’s kicking foot was as big as Barry Bonds’s head.

Who knew?
Ted Koppel announced he will retire as the host of “Nightline.” I am shocked. Koppel is still on “Nightline”?

That’s a lot of dogsA survey reveals that 56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pets than their partner. This explains why Christine Aguilera has gone through more dogs than a Korean deli.

It just gets worse
More trouble for Wendy’s. You know that finger they found in the chili? It tested positive for steroids.