Tuesday, June 08, 2004

We ain't gonna do you like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bad start

*Rumor has it the J. Lo / Marc Anthony wedding is already off to a shaky start. They can’t agree on the grounds of their divorce.

To paraphrase singer Tom Waits, J. Lo has been married so many times, she’s got rice marks on her face.

This was a big week for Marc Anthony, in addition to being in that somewhat elite group of men who have married Jennifer Lopez, Anthony also won the Steve Buscemi look-alike contest.

The ceremony was an hour long, which automatically qualified this as Jennifer’s second longest marriage.

It’s a good thing Jennifer Lopez hates drawing attention to herself. J. Lo reminds me of that drama queen everyone knew in high school:

“Stop looking at me, please, stop looking at me. Hey, why isn’t anyone looking at me? Look at me, darn it.”

Two firsts
*Phylicia Rashad has become the first black woman to win best actress at the Tony Awards on Sunday. And, thanks to Hugh Jackman, it was also the first time the Tony for best actor was won by a straight male.

This just in on Marcifer
*On “The Today Show” Marc Anthony refused to admit to Matt Lauer, that he married Jennifer Lopez. Good move. Everyone knows you don’t promote a cheap publicity stunt until the press stops reporting about it.

Bad attitude
*Allen Iverson’s Rolls Royce was ticketed for parking in a handicapped spot at Philadelphia International airport. Apparently Iverson thought he could park there due to his severely challenged attitude.

Not clear on the concept
*The Tampa Bay Lightening beat the Calgary Flames to win the Stanley Cup. You can tell the Tampa fans aren’t experienced hockey fans; to celebrate, instead of a drunken riot, they took a nap before the early bird special.

Getting there
Now, I don't want to say the Los Angeles Lakers are desperate to beat the Detroit Pistons in game two tonight, but, today, they flew Kobe Bryant to the Colorado Courtroom and he didn't have the trial today.

Since you asked:
(Get ready to go under the hairdryer with me)

I used to know this woman, like J. Lo without the talent, meeoow, who was simply off-the-charts difficult. She was pretty in a one-of-many-porn-stars kind of way (think Kobe Bryant's wife without the fashion sense) but the way she acted like a Diva would have embarrassed Lady Diana and Christina Agul, Aguieal, Agularlarla . . . that skanky singer.

When this pain-in-the-arse woman was in her twenties, at the top of her looks game, she went out of her way to make everyone completely miserable about it, especially herself:

"Why do people always stare at me? Why can't they just judge me as a person? Why do I have to have all of this pressure of being perfect? You wouldn't understand, this just isn't fair."

These epic monuments of self-absorption tantrums were usually followed by a dramatic huffy foot stomp.

This woman claimed to have had more stalkers than Madonna or Barbra Streisand combined. In her prime, she came up with a new “stalker” at least every three months. At one time she claimed to have had an entire group of stalkers.

Then, the split-second she turned 30, it was an even more shrill cry of;

"Why is everyone looking at those young girls? What do they have I don't have? This isn't fair."

Huffy foot stomp.

Although, thankfully, I don’t have to deal with her anymore, it would be my guess she is not taking her forties well at all. It would not surprise me to hear that she has had more work done on her than a ‘56 Chevy. Or Cher.

Imagine when the press stops caring about J. Lo's subsequent marriages? That, on many levels, will not be pretty, my friends.
(Polite applause)