That's jacked-up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Improve the quality?
The erectile dysfunction drug Levitra now uses a woman spokesperson in their TV ads; this is smart because if there is one thing all guys know it's that, when it comes to sex, you can never, ever, believe one single word a guy ever says.
Men are inherently incapable of telling the truth about sex. If a rock star slept with five women in one night, he'd tell his buddies it was six.
Buffalo winging it
*VH1 announced that Jessica Simpson is going to be on "Divas." When asked to comment about being on "Divas" Jessica replied; "I've never been on Divas, but I did once take a Xanax."
Historic moment
*Times Square in New York is 100 years old. To mark the date they are going to honor the descendents of Harold J. McDougal, the very first tourist rolled by a Times Square hooker.
One word of advice
*Stewart Cink won MCI Heritage golf tournament despite TV viewers who called in to say Cink broke a rule by removing loose stones before a key bunker shot. As for those deligent people who called, I would like to say one thing: Get a life you pathetic pain-in-the-butt losers.
You're mired
*Did you all watch "The Apprentice” last week? I hear it's not going well for the apprentice. Today, the winner, Bill Rancic looked across the meeting table and finally realizied that he would have to look at Donald Trump's comb-over everyday for the rest of his life.
I hear it's not going well for "The Apprentice" winner Bill Rancic. Today they had to warn Rancic, for the last time, to please stop starring at Mr. Trump's comb-over.
I feel sorry for Donald Trump. Now that "The Apprentice" is over, Trump goes around his office all day walking up to the mirrors, looking at his reflection and pronouncing; "You're fired."
Shocker in Bean Town
*The Boston Marathon was run today. In a big surprise, it was won by that one Kenyan guy instead of that, you know, other Kenyan guy. What an upset.
McYuck
*McDonald’s has announced that they are coming out with an adult Happy Meal. Doesn't adult Happy Meal sound like an X-Rated Happy Meal? Man, hold the secret sauce on that thing.
Saw this one coming
*Miami Beach police arrested New England Patriots cornerback Ty Law after a car chase and then foot chase. Apparently Ty Law fought the law and the law won.
An NFL cornerback was chased down on foot by a cop. Law isn't going to hear the end of this one in the lockeroom. "Hey, Ty, was the cop eating a donut when he ran you down?"
Law was charged with resisting arrest and also with impersonating a "Cops" episode.
Since you asked:
You know what I haven't done in a while, Torns and Nugs? I haven't answered reader mail. Now, that may have something to do with the fact I haven't got any reader mail, but that never stopped me before;
Dear So-Called-Joke-Guy:
So what's your problem with Donald Trump, France, Courtney Love, Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson? They can all buy you and sell you a million times. Well, maybe not France. Do you have some bitter resentment of rich people? Huh? Do you?
Signed,
Bill Gates
Seattle, WA
Dear Bill:
Give me a ten million and we can solve this right now. No. I'm serious. Give it to me. I've always wanted to see if I got filthy rich if I would turn all snotty and phony like Judge Schmales and Kathy Lee Gifford. My gut instinct is that I would. Get all snotty, that is.
Dear Alex:
What sucks more, your jokes or the New York Mets?
Just wondering.
Mike Piazza
Somewhere in "Tres chic" SoHo.
Dear Mike:
That's a good question. I've got to go with the Mets. And that's only because my jokes don't experience off-season problems. And my jokes do a lot better on the road. Just imagine how bad my jokes would be if you had to read them at Shea Stadium? Scary, huh?
Dear Lexie:
My word, you are funny, witty, you play a mean harmonica, and you work out like a demi-god. Would you like to make out sometime?
XXXOOO
Paris Hilton
From the Hilton in Paris
Dear Paris:
Heh, heh, gosh, that is sweet, but I am also married. But to answer your question, sure. Call me when your folks are out of town.
Dear Alex:
Hey, forget that skank, would you like to make out sometime?
Signed,
Mike Piazza
Dear Mike:
Whoa, back off there, buddy. What do you think I am? That is sick. I would never, ever, make out with a New York Met.
And that's how you play "Answer the reader's mail."
Improve the quality?
The erectile dysfunction drug Levitra now uses a woman spokesperson in their TV ads; this is smart because if there is one thing all guys know it's that, when it comes to sex, you can never, ever, believe one single word a guy ever says.
Men are inherently incapable of telling the truth about sex. If a rock star slept with five women in one night, he'd tell his buddies it was six.
Buffalo winging it
*VH1 announced that Jessica Simpson is going to be on "Divas." When asked to comment about being on "Divas" Jessica replied; "I've never been on Divas, but I did once take a Xanax."
Historic moment
*Times Square in New York is 100 years old. To mark the date they are going to honor the descendents of Harold J. McDougal, the very first tourist rolled by a Times Square hooker.
One word of advice
*Stewart Cink won MCI Heritage golf tournament despite TV viewers who called in to say Cink broke a rule by removing loose stones before a key bunker shot. As for those deligent people who called, I would like to say one thing: Get a life you pathetic pain-in-the-butt losers.
You're mired
*Did you all watch "The Apprentice” last week? I hear it's not going well for the apprentice. Today, the winner, Bill Rancic looked across the meeting table and finally realizied that he would have to look at Donald Trump's comb-over everyday for the rest of his life.
I hear it's not going well for "The Apprentice" winner Bill Rancic. Today they had to warn Rancic, for the last time, to please stop starring at Mr. Trump's comb-over.
I feel sorry for Donald Trump. Now that "The Apprentice" is over, Trump goes around his office all day walking up to the mirrors, looking at his reflection and pronouncing; "You're fired."
Shocker in Bean Town
*The Boston Marathon was run today. In a big surprise, it was won by that one Kenyan guy instead of that, you know, other Kenyan guy. What an upset.
McYuck
*McDonald’s has announced that they are coming out with an adult Happy Meal. Doesn't adult Happy Meal sound like an X-Rated Happy Meal? Man, hold the secret sauce on that thing.
Saw this one coming
*Miami Beach police arrested New England Patriots cornerback Ty Law after a car chase and then foot chase. Apparently Ty Law fought the law and the law won.
An NFL cornerback was chased down on foot by a cop. Law isn't going to hear the end of this one in the lockeroom. "Hey, Ty, was the cop eating a donut when he ran you down?"
Law was charged with resisting arrest and also with impersonating a "Cops" episode.
Since you asked:
You know what I haven't done in a while, Torns and Nugs? I haven't answered reader mail. Now, that may have something to do with the fact I haven't got any reader mail, but that never stopped me before;
Dear So-Called-Joke-Guy:
So what's your problem with Donald Trump, France, Courtney Love, Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson? They can all buy you and sell you a million times. Well, maybe not France. Do you have some bitter resentment of rich people? Huh? Do you?
Signed,
Bill Gates
Seattle, WA
Dear Bill:
Give me a ten million and we can solve this right now. No. I'm serious. Give it to me. I've always wanted to see if I got filthy rich if I would turn all snotty and phony like Judge Schmales and Kathy Lee Gifford. My gut instinct is that I would. Get all snotty, that is.
Dear Alex:
What sucks more, your jokes or the New York Mets?
Just wondering.
Mike Piazza
Somewhere in "Tres chic" SoHo.
Dear Mike:
That's a good question. I've got to go with the Mets. And that's only because my jokes don't experience off-season problems. And my jokes do a lot better on the road. Just imagine how bad my jokes would be if you had to read them at Shea Stadium? Scary, huh?
Dear Lexie:
My word, you are funny, witty, you play a mean harmonica, and you work out like a demi-god. Would you like to make out sometime?
XXXOOO
Paris Hilton
From the Hilton in Paris
Dear Paris:
Heh, heh, gosh, that is sweet, but I am also married. But to answer your question, sure. Call me when your folks are out of town.
Dear Alex:
Hey, forget that skank, would you like to make out sometime?
Signed,
Mike Piazza
Dear Mike:
Whoa, back off there, buddy. What do you think I am? That is sick. I would never, ever, make out with a New York Met.
And that's how you play "Answer the reader's mail."
posted by Alex at
2:14 PM
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