Step off with your good foot and walk with me for a while, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy New Year
I finally figured out what Auld Lang Syne means. It's Scottish for "That's for Shizzle my Burrizzle."

That inconsiderate brute
*Michael Jackson told "Sixty Minutes" that, when he was arrested, the authorities “manhandled” him. Jackson is very upset. The arresting officer won’t return any of Michael's notes or calls.

Jackson told "Sixty Minutes" he still has marks from the handcuffs, which really surprised the police because they never put any handcuffs on Jackson.

Handsome image
*According to a survey in "Men’s Health" magazine, 85% of men admit they surf the Internet wearing nothing but their underwear. And that's just the guys in the lesbian chat rooms.

One big snake
*Indonesian villagers claim they have caught a 49ft, 992 pound python. In fact, it's the biggest snake ever caught that didn't crawl out from inside a spider hole.

'Tis the end of the Season
*You can tell Christmas is really over. The needles are falling off the tree, the mistletoe is wilted, and I finally cleaned up all of the reindeer poop from my roof.

That explains it
*Did anyone gain any weight over the holidays? Just do what Rush Limbaugh does: blame it on a left-wing democratic conspiracy.

Forget Atkins
*Anyone need to lose weight after the holidays? There is a new diet out. It’s called the Saddam diet. Right before you eat, just watch that tape of Saddam getting checked for fleas. You’ll lose twenty pounds by Valentines Day.

The name game
*The Iran city of Bam is still reeling from that awful earthquake. Maybe Bam isn’t the best name for a city, it is sort of asking for an earthquake. Come to think of it, the city of Shaker Heights might want to make a name change.

So sad
*Reportedly Saddam Hussein is a crushed and defeated man; Saddam didn’t get the Barbie "Cook With Me" smart kitchen he wanted for Christmas.