Happy New Year! In 2004, we gonna do it some mo', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Honorary Trojans
*The Michigan football players were having a blast before the Rose Bowl; they went to shows, Hollywood parties, laid-out by the pool and took a complete break from studying. Why, it's almost like they were enrolled at USC.

How tight was it?
*Security was really tight with the airlines on New Years Eve. To give you some idea, the pilots were not allowed to drink from glass bottles, only cans.

Security was so tight, you couldn't even bring a corkscrew on an airliner, unless, of course, you're a pilot. For pilots a corkscrew is considered standard equipment.

A Winter Wonderland (I wonder where my money went)
*Can you believe Las Vegas was covered in snow over the holidays? People were running outside from the Casinos, lying down, flapping their arms and legs to make little snow-hookers.

People ran outside from the Casinos and started snowball fights while the bookies took bets on the winners.

I saw a snowman complete with a snow-stripper giving him a lap dance.

It was amazing, I saw a snowman begging for cab fare to the airport.

A big number
*Can you believe it's 2004? 2004 doesn’t sound like a year, 2004 sounds more like the size of a Rush Limbaugh prescription order.

Harr, me matey
*I finally saw the DVD "Pirates of the Caribbean." Johnny Depp was great as Captain Jack Sparrow. I tell you, it will be a crime if Keith Richards doesn’t win the Oscar for that role.

Hee heee
*Michael Jackson may have lied about being manhandled by the police; he may have lied about being represented by the Nation of Islam; and now it seems he lied about being paid by for the "Sixty Minutes" interview. In fact, has Michael lied so much his fake nose grew five inches.

The Fruitcakes of her labor
*A 105-pound woman, Sonya Thomas, won the Fruitcake Eating Championship in Buffalo, New York. She ate five pounds of fruitcake. Five pounds. In other words, she ate an entire slice.

Of course the term Fruitcake Eating Championship is a paradox; as we all know, there are no winners in a fruitcake-eating contest.