Roll it all up in there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Gropinator
To answer groping charges, Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired an investigator to probe the women’s allegations. Wasn’t it probing women’s allegations that got Arnold in trouble in the first place?

Nerd boys, nerd boys, whatchya gonna do?
Microsoft has offered a bounty for computer virus writers. In fact they are going to broadcast the computer virus writer actual arrests on a new “Cops” type show. It’s called; “Dorks.”

Good copy
A dairy farm in Minnesota has cows that are producing milk with caffeine in it. Did you see the new ad campaign? “Got Crack?”

What a coincidence
This week, after the attacks on our troops in Iraq, President Bush announced; “America will not run.” And after reviewing the mess left by Gray Davis, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced, “The California government will not run.”

A close one
Sports Illustrated published its 50th anniversary issue. Do you know who had the most non-sports-related S.I. covers? Christy Brinkley with three. Unless you don’t count the Los Angeles Clippers as sports related.

Can’t we all get along?
At the MTV music awards there was quite the Diva spat between Kelly Osbourne and Christine Aguilera. Christine has quite the growing list of enemies: Eminem, Mariah Carey, Britney Spears now Kelly Osbourne. And rumor has it Madonna is pissed because she chipped her tooth on Christine’s tongue-stud.

Just get it over with
1-7 San Diego Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer has been awfully cute and coy about not naming his starting quarterback against the 6-2 Minnesota Vikings. Does it really matter? It’s like General Custer fretting over which buckskin jacket to wear to the Little Big Horn.