Monday, September 29, 2003

You go, girl and Cubbies and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh say can you see?

On Saturday at Wrigley Field, before the Chicago Cubs clinched the Central Division, the National Anthem was sung by the Gay Men’s Choir. That’s what did it. Last year, I predicted the last place Cubs would clinch their division right about the time a bunch of gay guys stand on the field and sing about rockets going off.

Hey, hey, Ronnie
The best sign at Wrigley Field during the ceremony to retire Ron Santo’s number? “Ron Santo for Governor of California.” Santo has had both legs amputated, and he would still have a leg up on most of the candidates.

Did you see that Ron Santo's grandson is, I think, named Bobby Brown? How come they didn't name him Brant?

Watch out for low-flying pigs
The Chicago Cubs have clinched the Central Division and are in the playoffs. Do not attempt to adjust your computer, you read it right, the Cubs are in the playoffs.

Today a lot of Chicagoans had to take a sick day. Not from celebrating, they are too sore to work from repeatedly pinching themselves.

Ducting the doctor
In Alaska, a hunter attacked by a grizzly bear on a remote trail said he used duct tape to bind his bite wounds, then drove himself to a hospital. Wait until guys here about the surgical use for duct tape: “Honey, you don’t need a face lift, here, I’ll get the duct tape. A breast enhancement? I’ll use two rolls.”

New meaning
The longest sneeze attack in history lasted nine hundred and seventy-eight days. Here’s what I heard happened, for his allergies his doctor was supposed to prescribe Allegra, but prescribed Viagra by mistake: so for nine hundred and seventy-eight days, this guy brought new meaning to the term a hard sneeze.

Little blue pill
In the endless Viagra commercials during sporting events this weekend, I noticed that Viagra pills are diamond-shaped. Now that is brilliant marketing. What’s harder than a diamond?

The Rock and a hard place
Have you heard about the movie with the sex-crazed monkey? But enough about the upcoming Bill Clinton biography, The Rock’s “The Rundown” was number one this weekend.

Guy test
Guys, here is how to tell if you are whipped or not. If you stayed home and watched sports this weekend, you’re not whipped. You’re not getting any, but you’re not whipped. If you took your girl to the movies and saw the Rocks “The Rundown” you may or may not be whipped. If you took your date to see “Under the Tuscan Sun,” forget it, you are whipped.

“Under the Tuscan Sun” Is that a chick flick or what? They should change the name to “Devine Secrets of Thelma and Louise at Beaches Under the Tuscan Sun.”