You go dawg, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mon Ami
*Serena Williams blew past her first round opponent in about a half an hour at the French, err, I mean the Freedom Open. Serena was so impressive that ten French spectators surrendered to her.

Like a hole in the head
*Last week they launched the 24-hour tennis channel. We need a 24-hour tennis channel like the gelding Funny Cide needs to wear an athletic supporter.

The 24-hour tennis channel is for that much sought after demographic: the coke addict tennis fan.

At the height of his past cocaine use, John McEnroe wouldn’t have watched a 24-hour tennis channel.

Dare we say it?
*The Chicago Cubs are two and a half games in first well into the second quarter of the season, even with their slugger Sammy Sosa on the disabled list. This explains the Cubs new catch phrase: “Cubs Baseball: You don’t suppose . . .?”

This could finally be the Chicago Cub’s millennium.

Punk
*The manager of the Florida Marlins is Jack McKeon. Or as the Florida fans call the 72-year-old McKeon; “That young whipper snapper.”

Last game they won McKeon told them to go out and; “Win one for the Geezer.”

American dream
*Saddam Hussein's eldest son, Uday, wants to surrender to U.S. forces. Apparently Uday Hussein has dreams of coming to America and opening a chain of discount building supply stores called: Home Despots.

All the news that’s sh#t to print
*In an interview with “Newsweek,” the disgraced New York Times reporter, Jayson Blair, said that, when it came to reports about him, Blair advised readers; “Not to believe everything they read in the papers.” No kidding, especially if Jayson Blair wrote it.

*The final insult? There is no Y in Jayson. He lied about that.

Coincidentally, Jayson’s last name spells: B Liar.

Been there
*The Indianapolis 500 ran on Sunday. That’s where drivers get in their cars and drive for hours just to end up back where they started. Or as they call that in L.A., the 405 Freeway.

A Major League one from the New York Times
*This just in from our special sports correspondent at the vaunted New York Times: Annika Sorrenstam won the Colonial, Jeff Gordon won the Indianapolis 500, and the Triple Crown contender Funny Cide’s brood mare, Daisy, is expecting.

Well, duh
*Michael Jackson is saddled with debt and teetering near bankruptcy, his former financial advisers say in a lawsuit. How did Jackson go broke? His debt was as plain as the nose on his face.

Paging Mrs. Butterworth
*Montgomery AL, has a new AA minor league baseball team named the Biscuits. That is a right cute name – as they say in the South- but is Biscuit a smart name for a baseball team? The only time Biscuits are good is when they are done.

Good call*The 14-37 San Diego Padres catch phrase this year is: “Padres baseball, Taking You There.” There, of course, being the cellar.