Peeps all up in this here hizhouse say yeah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New York City had been chosen as the United States candidate for the 2012 Summer Olympics. Of course, if the Olympics are in New York, the Olympic motto will have to be temporarily changed from Swifter, Higher, Stronger to Louder, Ruder, Crankier. Oh come on, New York, I'm just kidding. I kid because I care because I lived there.

Today was election day. Or as they call it in Florida, the first and most crucial step in an exercise in utter and total futility.

A pro soccer team from Madagascar scored 149 goals last week against itself. After a questionable call, a coach ordered his team to shoot at their own goal. It is the most anyone has scored against themselves since George Michaels was arrested in a public bathroom.

U.S. forces launched a pinpoint missile strike in Yemen, killing a top al-Qaida operative in his car in the first such overt attack outside of Afghanistan. I just have one thing to say about this blatant act of aggression: Yes!

Today on “Dr. Phil” Dr. Phil is going to address road rage and the anger epidemic in our country. Oh, so simply by talking about anger on his show, Dr. Phil thinks he can put a stop to it? That kind of pompous arrogance just makes me so furious I could go berserk. One time this psycho-babble know-it-all, like Dr. Phil, told me I had anger issues. I told him he was going to have broken nose issues. I showed him, huh?

Now doctors are studying if giving patients certain drugs just before an operation could prevent the memory loss and mental decline by essentially protecting the patients' brain cells from the rigors of surgery. Or something like that, I can’t remember since my tonsils were removed.

Winona Ryder’s attorneys claim that Saks Fifth Ave. security guards targeted the actress. Who is her attorney, Johnny Cochran?

“If in the purse it fits, you must acquit.”