Don't you bring that stuff in my house, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The United States and France reached agreement on a new Security Council resolution on Iraq. France was quick to concur once we pointed out that, if the U.S. didn’t intervene, Saddam Hussein would only need one thing if he wanted to invade France: Directions on how to get there.

Singer Bobby Brown was arrested in Atlanta for possession of marijuana, no drivers license and no proof of insurance. How messed up are you when you have to call Whitney Houston to come bail you out?

A study shows that even knowing you will be involved in a positive humorous event days in advance reduces levels of stress hormones in the blood and lowers blood pressure. How many are reading this on orders from your cheap-ass HMO?

Former San Francisco manager Dusty Baker is rumored to be lined up for the Chicago Cubs manager’s spot. In baseball, that’s just a little better than being lined up for a firing squad. That’s good news for the Cubs players. With all of their kids running around the dugout, just think of all the money they will save on day care. If the Chicago Cubs hire Dusty Baker, it will be wild at Wrigley Field. Rumor has it that not only will Dusty allow kids in the dugout, but everyone’s family pet too. And, what the heck, invite Uncle Louie to barbeque his famous bratwursts.

The country of Iraq wants to boost tourism. Yeah, right. Madonna and Christine Aguilera have a better chance of being christened saints.How would you like to be an Iraqi travel agent? You thought the Maytag repairman was lonely. What is the Iraqi tourist motto?

“Come for the torture, stay for the torment.”

Or;

“Come Spend Your Vile Money and Leave, You Evil Infidels.”

And;

“Death to All Infidel Americans. But before then, come and visit us, you here?”

Iraq claims that they get 50,000 tourists a month. Or as the tourists are otherwise referred to, detainees.

I am more than a little worried if they convict Martha Stewart of insider trading. Those housewives will start to riot: swipe other people’s Starbucks orders, take twelve items in the ten items or less grocery line, drop off their kids at school in the pickup lane. Mass hysteria. You thought soccer Moms drove badly before? Wait until they furiously drive around rioting over Martha’s verdict.

I don’t want to sound old, here, but I watched an NBA game, and is there some rule now that players have to have endless tattoos? These guys look like the result of combining a really bored sixth grader with a Sharpee pen.

NASA has put out a document that refutes the conspiracy theorists who think the moon landing was fake. Now all we have to do is convince those whackos that Hitler’s brain is not still alive; President Roosevelt didn’t plan the attack on Pearl Harbor and that Dr. Phil is not, in fact, Satan. OK, that last one might be tough . . .