Friday, November 08, 2002

You so crazy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Koko, California's famous ''talking'' gorilla, who is said to have mastered some 1,000 terms in American sign language, has ''written'' lyrics for a new album .How does that make Mariah Carey feel to know that a gorilla has a record contract and she doesn’t?

Winona Ryder’s sentence was harsher than I thought: she was sentenced to stand behind Lizzie Grubman’s SUV and direct her while she parallel parks.

Despite rumors of building delays, International Olympic Committee inspectors gave Athens a positive report saying the site of the 2004 games is ``taking Olympic shape.'' Apparently the Olympic committee misunderstood when they heard the Greeks really got behind in their work.

As you’ve heard, Winona Ryder was found guilty of shop-lifting. I just saw her last movie, “Mr. Deeds.” Winona steals the movie. I mean that, she actually stole the movie.

Rumor has it that retired and heavily concussed ex-Dallas Cowboy quarterback Troy Aikman is considering a comeback with the Miami Dolphins. Medical experts are against it. One more concussion, and Aikman could be brain damaged. Three more concussions and Aikman could be Terry Bradshaw.

The United Nations Security Council unanimously approved a tough new Iraq resolution Friday, forcing Saddam Hussein to disarm or face ''serious consequences'' that would almost certainly mean war. Serious consequences? How are they going to punish them? They already live in Iraq.

The United States and France reached agreement on a new Security Council resolution on Iraq. France was quick to concur once we pointed out that, without U.S. support, Saddam Hussein, would only need one thing if he wanted to invade France: Directions on how to get there.