Monday, November 04, 2002

You da man, dawgs. Or is it, you da dawg, man? Either way, rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Researchers have found people who live near the Three Mile Island nuclear plant show no significant increase in cancer deaths more than 20 years after an accident. The locals were so delighted by the news, they exchanged high fins.

A violent 7.9 earthquake slammed a remote area of Alaska's interior, one of the strongest ever recorded in the United States. To give you an idea how strong the earthquake was, it actually shook some people into a theater showing Madonna’s “Swept Away.”

Five men arrested on suspicion of plotting to kidnap Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice, were arrested. They were going to kidnap Melanie Brown, Scary Spice, but they realized that they would probably end up having to pay the ransom themselves to give her back. Can you imagine if they kidnapped the difficult Scary Spice, Melanie Brown? It would be the first kidnapping ever that ended due to creative differences.

Three Kenyans took the top places at the New York marathon. In other equally shocking sports news, guys missing a few teeth played hockey.

Notre Dame and the San Diego Chargers have something in common. Both suffered huge upsets after making a jersey change. These were the worst career fashion moves since Bjork wore a goose to the Oscars.

Six al-Qaida suspects were killed when the car they were traveling in blew up accidentally in Yemen. And they say all the news is depressing these days.

Rosie O'Donnell says that if she still had her talk show, she would use it as a forum to defend Martha Stewart. Looks like we dodged two bullets there.

On “Fox NFL” Terry Bradshaw apologized for calling San Francisco quarterback Jeff Garcia ugly. First of all, Bradshaw calling anyone ugly is like Madonna calling someone a bad actress. Secondly, Jeff Garcia is a good-looking guy. Terry Bradshaw looks the like the guy who played the banjo on the porch in “Deliverance.”

The Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio? He turned 41 today. How did that happen? I didn’t think the guy who played Mr. Mayagi, Pat Morita, was 41 yet.

New York was selected by the Olympic committee over San Francisco for the U.S. candidate for the 2012 summer Olympics. Apparently they liked New York’s mascot, Vinny the Cocky Subway Rat over San Francisco’s Pierce the Catty Hairdresser. In addition, they liked New York’s motto “Fuggettaboutit” over San Francisco’s “Oh, Get Over Yourself, Person.”

If they get the Olympics, the host city, New York, gets to pick an event. So far the leading choices are the Tourist Roll, the Subway Turnstyle Hurdles and the 400 meter Taxi Chase.

David Schwimmer who plays Ross on “Friends” turned 36 over the weekend. Sigh (Whining voice) Umm, uhh, well, happy birthday, I guess. Sigh.

Barbara Walters is interviewing Justin Timberlake Monday on ABC. Good scheduling move. There is nothing that Monday Night Football fans want to see more than a weepy interview of a member of a boy band.

Brad Pitt has announced he is publishing a book of poems to Jennifer Aniston. Even Jewel is making fun of this information.