Saturday, March 23, 2019

There is drunk and then there is "Barbra Streisand's publicist" drunk.

Barbra Streisand says Michael Jackson’s accusers were ‘thrilled to be there’ and his ‘sexual needs were his sexual needs.’

Apparently, you can be an idiot and still be a singer. "Well duh," said Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber.

R. Kelly just announced he is doing an entire album of Barbra Streisand cover songs.

Barbra Streisand said the sexual molesting of Michael Jackson's accusers did not kill them.

"Wow, what an incredibly insensitive thing to say," said Bill Cosby.

Robert Kraft just took the lead over Barbra Streisand, Lori Loughlin and Jussie Smollett in the "Biggest Celebrity Moron" contest.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thaaaaaaaaank youuuuu."

- Jussie Smollett to Barbra Streisand.

"Are we certain the victims did not want to be eaten?"

- Barbra Streisand on Hannibal Lechter.

Just because a team made it to the Sweet Sixteen does not mean you can nickname them R. Kelly.

Pay It Forward

About a week before I was due to move to New York from Santa Barbara to work on Wall Street, circa 1983,  I pulled into a gas station in Ventura on empty. Time was short because I had to get home to my tiny rental house in Santa Barbara and call my future boss in New York, Hilliard Farber, rest in peace, to confirm the job and the move to New York.

When I went to pull out my wallet, it was gone. And I had no idea where it was. The panic that ensued was like nothing I had ever experienced. In fact, I cried in an insane combination of sadness, fatigue, rage, and frustration. (Maybe the same panic I had in fourth grade when, walking home, I had to pee and waited until I got home but only made to the Owen's house)

During my meltdown, a nice 40-something guy, who I remember thinking looked like a teacher, at the pump next to me saw this, walked over and handed me a $20 bill. When I asked for his address, he said not to worry about it, just do it for someone else. 

Or as we now call it, pay it forward.

If I had not made it back in time to make the scheduled phone call, the whole move to New York and Wall Street could have been botched. 

20 years later, I was back in California in San Diego with my beloved yellow lab, Kasey, eating a bagel at the local bagel shop. 

A woman who found a $20 asked everyone eating at the tables outside if anyone had lost a $20 bill. We all said no. She asked the clerk in the bagel shop if anyone had said they were missing a $20 bill. They said no. So she left. With the $20 bill.

About two minutes later, a young guy, about 18, with the same panicked look on his face I had in Ventura 20 years ago, was frantically looking all over the sidewalk and by the chairs and tables. When I asked him if he was looking for something he said mournfully,

“I dropped a twenty dollar bill.” 

“Can you describe what the twenty dollar bill looked like?” 

He looked confused, but when I said I was kidding and gave him a twenty from my wallet, he thanked me earnestly.

So we are even, God. Got that? 

When I was a stockbroker for Prudential in San Diego, I had a manager named Bob Fedderman (close, but not his real name) who was eerily similar to Donald Trump: He was a dimwitted egomaniac who wore expensive but hilariously tacky two-tone shirts (collar and striped-shirt colors) and shiny suits, he was fat and had a combover that was downright comedic.

Bob too, like Trump, was a big feet-on-the-desk type of guy. 

Bob was able to get away with the most blatant lying, cheating and stealing from clients - whom he actually ordered us to refer to as buying-units so we would not see them as humans - by ordering underlings to actually perform the criminal acts Bob demanded. That way, come an audit or an investigation or a lawsuit, they would take the fall and not fat, ugly and stupid Bob. 

For example, Bob would examine the accounts of clients with a large amount of cash and order the broker to put the entire amount into a high-commission charging 8% Prudential mutual fund. (8% was the commission charge, not the earnings) When, not if, the customer objected, Bob would instruct the broker to then charge another 8% commission to sell the mutual fund and return the funds to cash, now minus 16% in commissions.

It was blatant fraud and stealing. Bob should have gone to prison.

Bob lasted for several years before his incompetent and fraudulant business practices caught up to the bottom line and he was fired.  Because he, like Trump, initially took over during flush financial times. 

Friday, March 22, 2019

Alex Rodriguez proposed to Jennifer Lopez. Unfortunately, the engagement ring tested positive for cubic zirconia.

Lori Loughlin's daughter, Olivia Jade Giannulli, did not fill out her own USC application. Apparently, she was too busy not rowing to fill it out.

"My daughter would like to go to your college."

"Sorry, but we are ardent champions of the three D's: the disenfranchised, disabled and diverse, none of which describes your daughter."

"Let me go to the ATM to get the fourth D, dollars."

"Welcome to the USC family."

Papa John's has named Shaquille O'Neal to be on their board of directors. As a result, Papa John's now ranks ahead of Pizza Hut, Dominoes and especially Little Caesars in the CPBL, the Corporate Pizza Basketball League.

In the NCAA tournament, 14th seed Yale lost to 3rd seed LSU 79-74. After the game, LSU celebrated with barbecue while Yale went to their rooms and conjugated Latin verbs.

In the NCAA tournament, Yale lost to LSU 79-74. The score was close even though neither team could understand one word the other said.

In the NCAA tournament, Yale lost to LSU 79-74. This game was dubbed the SAT Score Disparity Game.

In the NCAA tournament, Yale lost to LSU 79-74. It was close when you consider Yale played their two non-athlete bribery students.

Since you asked:

Saw “Free Solo” and I was so impressed with the incredibly pure focus of Alex Honnold’s life. Obviously, he had to have 100% focus on his climbing. He could not afford the luxury of thinking one move ahead. 

But also he lived in his van. When he used someone’s shower, he washed his clothes with his feet stomping on them like they were grapes. He cooked one pot meals with eggs, chili, spinach and cheese and ate it out of that pot. 

Sure, when he got the hot but ditzy blonde girlfriend - who spaced out and dropped him from 30 feet while belaying him - life became more complicated buying a house and a refrigerator. (As things become when you adopt a hot ditzy girlfriend who simply forgets to check that his rope had run out)

Boiling life down to its essence is how Alex was able to achieve the feat of performing a climb that, anything less than an Olympic gold medal caliber performance, would have killed him.

The survival rate for free climbers is pretty much 0%. Let’s hope Alex beats that. 

But he might have to lose the dumb blonde.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

A NASA study reveals traveling in space causes herpes flare-ups. In a related story, NASA has canceled plans for a spacewalk for Ariana Grande.

New England Patriot's owner, Robert Kraft, has been offered a deferred prosecution deal in his sex spa case. The legal definition of a deferred prosecution deal means "What we offer rich guys."

USC is considering expelling the students who were involved in the bribery scandal. If USC expelled every student that cheated, the campus would resemble a post-apocalypse horror film.

It turns out Lori Loughlin's daughter, Olivia Jade Giannulli, did not fill out her own USC application. Authorities became suspicious when many of the answers were just cut and pasted from Olivia Jade's Wikipedia page.

It turns out Lori Loughlin's daughter, Olivia Jade Giannulli, did not fill out her own USC application. And we thought she was lazy when she did not row her own crew skiff.

A NASA study reveals traveling in space causes herpes flare-ups. In a related story, the Kardashians have canceled their moon landing.

A dog set a world record by catching an 83-yard frisbee toss. 

In a related story, my dog, Wally, set a record for walking 83 yards without sniffing himself.

Since you asked:

Donald Trump’s repeated bad-mouthing of the great John McCain reminded me of this story I’ve told before.

According to close sources, before he became famous, Donald Trump was merely an oversized, insecure  Military School bedwetter. But fame was the gasoline that was poured over Trump’s growing fire of egomania. 

By 1989, Trump’s ego was writing checks his bankers could not cash. After Trump’s lavish spending, his New Jersey casinos would have had to triple the earnings of the top casinos in Las Vegas just to break even. That was never going to happen.

Furious over bad financial reports from this two New Jersey casinos, Trump ordered his three top, hand-picked casino executives, Mark Etess, Jonathan Benanav, and Stephen Hyde, to be at  Trump Tower in one hour. It takes two hours at least to drive from Atlantic City to New York so, as they had done in the past, they requested Trump send his helicopter. 

Trump refused. 

Trump’s three top casino executives then rented a helicopter from a company that was so shoddy, the rotor blade fell off in mid-flight and all three of Trump’s top casino executives died in the fiery crash.

Many people would have been horrified with guilt for arguably causing this unnecessary crash. What did Donald Trump do? He used the story to blatantly lie to the press that he narrowly missed being on that flight just to make the story about himself. Trump used the deaths of his presumed friends and top executives to garner free publicity and sympathy for himself and bragged about doing it.

And when the casinos went on to fail, Trump blamed the three dead casino executives.