Friday, November 02, 2018

Google's employees staged a walkout over sexual misconduct by executives. 

But they quickly returned to their offices when the Google employees learned there is no free artisan coffee, gluten-free baked goods, bean bag chairs and massages in the real world.


In New York, Alec Baldwin was arrested for punching someone in the face over a parking spot.  

OK, Alec, maybe time to tone down the method acting on your Trump impersonation.


Google's employees staged a walkout over sexual misconduct by executives. It also set a world record for most inhalers used in a one-block walk.


Because Boston's Mookie Betts stole a base in the World Series, yesterday everyone got a free taco from Taco Bell.

And because of Dodger Manny Machado's play in the World Series, for limited time, Taco Bell will let everyone choke on a chalupa.


All off Google's employees staged a walk-out in protest of their executives' sexual harassment. 

The unofficial nickname of the Google walk-out is: Dorkapalooza.

After a brief two-block march, many of the Google employees had to be treated for sunstroke and exhaustion.


Ariana Grande is upset about Pete Davidson's "SNL" engagement joke.

Ariana Grande's last name signifies how much of a pain-in-the-ass she is.


We had a trick-or-treater come to our house today dressed as Kellyanne Conway. When I asked her why she was two days late, she said the date was an alternative fact.


Among other issues, Google's employees walked out over pay discrepancies. That's right. They're accusing Google of being frugal. 


In just six hours in Cairo, Melania Trump rang up a $95,000 hotel bill. On the bright side, she was named an honorary Jacksonville Jaguar.

Since you asked:

We gave away our leftover Halloween candy. Right now, I would commit a Newark crack-whore sex-act for a Snickers bar.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Today on Halloween four kids came to our door dressed as Jacksonville Jaguars. 

They gave us a bar tab for $64,170 and then ran away.

It is that magical time of Fall when Donald Trump orders his maid to hand out the dinner mints he stole from a restaurant out to kids for Halloween.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Ben & Jerry's launched a Donald Trump-inspired ice cream. 

I think it's called Chunky Honkey.

With the Donald Trump ice cream, you gorge it all down in one sitting, step on the scale and shout, "Fake news." 

For the first time ever Sunday, five major-league sports teams, 2 NBA, MLS, NFL, MLB, all played on the same day in the same city, Los Angeles.

But that is only if you count what the Dodgers did as playing.


In London on Saturday at 3:00 AM, three Jacksonville Jaguars players were arrested for running out on a $64,170 bar tab. 

The next day, those three Jaguars players had to undergo hangover-protocol.


L.A. Dodger Manny Machado, who went 0-5 and struck out falling down in the last game of the World Series, is a free agent.

Machado is the perfect addition for any team looking for a player to hit 385-foot singles.


The Raiders have been fined $20,000 for violating the league’s injury reporting policy. 

Or as the Jaguars call $20,000, less than one third of Happy Hour.

In London on Saturday at 3:00 AM, three Jacksonville Jaguars players were arrested for running out on a $64,170 bar tab. 

"Wow, that is a lot of money for a bar tab," I said of the $170 after the $64,000.

The Starkist tuna company has been fined $100 million for price-fixing and collusion.

In addition, Starkist has to explain their creepy commercials with a tuna named Charlie who desperately wants to be hooked, gutted, canned and eaten.    

Since you asked:

Speaking of tuna. 

Donald Trump is a master of the dead tuna toss. When you do not like the way the meeting's conversation is going, you toss a tuna on the table and everyone will talk about the tuna. I.e. birthright citizenship.

But one would think, after there are 30 stinking dead tunas on the table, somebody might, sooner or later, steer the conversation to the crazy idiot who keeps throwing tunas on the table. 

Cop: "Did you not see the stop sign back there?"

Me: "Robert Mueller raped me."

Cop: "Wha, huh?"

Monday, October 29, 2018

After Boston beat L.A. 4-1 in the World Series, Red Sox Steve Pearce was obscenely heckled by a shirtless psycho. But at least this time Manny Machado did not stomp on his foot.

The only good news for the Dodgers is they did not ask Fergie to sing the National Anthem. 


Since you asked:

Have this reoccurring dream where I am in a high-tech writing commune with gyms, bars, restaurants, shops and apartments. I am supposed to be contributing to some studio's script, but I am not sure what the story is and I am afraid to ask for fear of getting fired for not knowing. (The anxiety aspect of the dream) 

In the course of perusing this hip scene, I come across mostly old college friends.  

As it gets later and more festive, it slowly turns from utopian to dystopian crowded with unruly drunken psychos. Fights breaking out, barking dogs, bottles smashing, police helicopters with search lights, screams and sirens in the distance. 

Think it is a mental composite of my move from Santa Barbara to New York.