Thursday, July 12, 2018

Trickster Magoo and the Uruguayan She-Beasts, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

Today is Bill Cosby's 81st birthday. If you want to get him a present, he is registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Despicable.

The brush-fire east of Hollywood in Griffith Park was more serious than we thought. In order to get it to go away, they had to give it a writing and an executive-producer credit.

After using the N-word in a conference call, the good news is Papa John's founder, John Schnatter, has resigned as chairman. The bad news is he now wants to be called the Grand Duke of Papa John's.

A clip shows White House Chief of Staff, John Kelly, getting agitated over Donald Trump's insult of Germany. Kelly looks like a used-car dealer when his idiot brother-in-law blows a sale,

"Why did you tell them there was a body in the trunk?"

Papa John's is changing their name to IHOB. International House of Bigotry.

Stormy Daniels was arrested at an Ohio strip club for touching a customer. Ohio is conservative. For massages, instead of a happy ending, customers get a moderately pleasant conclusion.

Stormy Daniels was arrested at an Ohio strip club for touching a customer. Strip clubs in Ohio are more conservative. Instead of making it rain, the customers make it partly cloudy.

Since you asked;

The Season finale of "GLOW" left me with many questions. Will Ruth end up with Sam in Las Vegas? Will Bash and Brittanica's marriage work? Will there be a season 3? What the hell happened to my masculinity?

There was a brush fire just East of Hollywood in Griffith Park. But the brush fire wants everyone to know it is only temporarily a brush fire, it is really an actor/screenwriter/director.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

In LA, there was a brush fire in Griffith Park. But then the fire started dating a Kardashian and became a crack addict, bi-polar, an alcoholic, had a sex-change operation and then vanished.

There was an awkward moment when Donald Trump was informed England lost to Croatia at the World Cup. Trump said, "At least England made it to the semi-finals, Great Britain didn't even make the tournament."

There are two things I learned watching the World Cup today on “Fox Sports.” One, Croatia is playing France for the title, and two, Alexi Lalas is somehow becoming even more annoying.

In China, a teenage boy was sent to the hospital with a USB cord stuck in his penis."Did it hurt like crazy when they took yours out too?" Asked Eric Trump.

Donald Trump stood up for the US against NATO. In a related story, White House Chief of Staff, Gen. John Kelly, passed out with shock.

Experts say Donald Trump's wealth is below one billion and "Forbes" estimates Kylie Jenner is at one billion. Three years ago, if you had said Kylie Jenner would be richer than Donald Trump, but Donald Trump would be president, they would have locked you up.

Donald Trump accused Germany of being owned by Russia. That isn't just the pot calling the kettle black, that is the kettle calling the kettle a kettle.

In China, a teenage boy was sent to the hospital with a USB cord stuck in his penis. And I thought I was bad at following instructions.

Kylie Jenner has been named on "Forbes" list of self-made women. She was the first woman in the "My career was made by my step-sister's sex tape" category.

Kylie Jenner has been named on "Forbes" list of self-made women. "Self-made? Are you kidding me?" Asked Kylie's plastic surgeon.

Since you asked:

Have a college buddy who has won a couple of Emmys on several hit shows for his work as a sound engineer. He gave some great dirt. He said 90% of actors are wonderful, but the 10% who are awful - almost always the stars - are so bad he retired early to get away from them.

He named names, and there were not many surprises. He did say the sex and drugs go way beyond what most people would imagine. He did say George Clooney was a genuinely great guy. Katherine Heigl? Not so much. Had a staffer fired for misspelling her name.  

One of the things he did say that was interesting was that 80% of actors on a TV show have been underemployed for quite a while. Initially, they are delighted just to have a job, let alone be on a hit show. 

The problems start to occur during the second year when the actors come to view the job as too much work. The other thing you can notice on hit shows is how some of the actors were almost literally starving artists and you can easily see them enjoying to spoils of their profession. 

Food and booze abound on the sets of Hollywood. Part of a working actor’s job is to inform his broke friends when there are buffets and parties they can crash. Cocaine is so abundant that even when it is kept under the radar, it still surfaces by accident under the noses of stars in paparazzi photos.

A classic example of this was Kelsey Grammer on "Cheers." He started the show a fit, lean machine with a slightly receding hairline. Two years later, he was bloated, bald, red-faced and his voice was reduced to a barking rasp from all-nighters.

My stockbroker buddy who made it big in TV on "Babylon 5," RIP, Jerry Doyle, got in trouble with the whole town of Hollywood when he went to a bar with a writer from "Entertainment Weekly" and laughed at how easy being a TV star is compared to real jobs. 

Nothing to do on Sunday through Tuesday while the writers write. Wednesday is a table read hungover in sweats. Thursday is a couple hours of rehearsal. Friday walk-through, Saturday filming. On Saturdays he did not have to drive, they sent a car for him to make sure he was on time.

And that was during the 20 weeks or so they filmed episodes. The rest of the 32 weeks they have off. 

The theme I keep seeing in both comedians and actors is the ten and twenty-year overnight success stories. In my opinion as a comedy writer, Amy Schumer is a classic example of a Roseanne Barr/Tom Arnold/Jim Belushi success story. Somebody who blew up far beyond their abilities as a comedian or actor.

Amy Schumer was an overnight success story that took 15 years. She went from scrounging quarters in her couch to go to happy hour to being flown to her appearances in private jets and helicopters. 

To Schumer’s credit, on her show, she did feature her more talented friends, like Nikki Glaser,  Maria Bamford, and Jackie Monahan. 

(The reason I am not a fan of Amy Schumer is the 25-minute video of her blatantly stealing jokes for her stand up act and her show. Used to be Tig Notaro fan until she, well, for legal reasons, I best not say) 

How unfair is the meritocracy of the entertainment world?

Because her half-sister, Kim Kardashian, made a sex tape, and her mom, Kris Jenner, is a shrewd marketer and leaked it, Kylie Jenner is worth almost one billion dollars for her cosmetic company.

"Forbes" just told us so. 

Because they owned most of the songwriting credits and they founded the band and stuck with it, and they had successful solo careers, the Eagles’ Don Henley and Glenn Frey, (Glenn RIP) are worth about $200 to $100 million each. Incredibly wealthy, but way down from Kylie Jenner. 

The two bass players for the Eagles, Timothy B. Schmidt after “Hotel California,”  Randy Meisner up to “Hotel California,” are both worth around $10 million each. 

$10 million is a lot of money, it is just nowhere near the $200 to $100 million of their fellow bandmates. That seems unjust for a band that split everything evenly from the start. 

$200 to $100 million is gated estates in Malibu, Kauai and a penthouse on the Upper East Side of New York. Private jets. 4-star suites. A full-time limo driver. Private chefs.

$10 million is a nice ranch house with a guest cottage in the Hollywood Hills or Agora Hills and security for their immediate family. First class flights. Hyatts and Hiltons. A Tesla or two. Great restaurants. 

If Randy Meisner had not quit the Eagles, Timothy B. Schmidt, a wildly talented high singer, bass player and songwriter who wrote “I Can’t Tell You Why,” would probably still be playing with his old band, Poco, for about $75,000 a year.  (When he joined the Eagles, Timothy was making $200 a week with Poco according to Glenn Frey in "History of the Eagles")   

$75,000 a year is a dingy apartment in Santa Monica and a Prius. Southwest Airlines and Airbnb. Islands for dinner. 

Timothy B. Schmidt, while doing what he loves, has all the talent in the world. Beautiful voice, great bass player, and a talented songwriter. Good looking guy, too. 

Kylie Jenner has no identifiable talent at all. None. She doesn’t sing, dance, act or model. She is pretty, but not prettier than the average porn star. Much work done. 

And yet the difference between Kylie Jenner and Timothy B. Schmidt is about one billion dollars.   

The only people who say money does not matter are rich people. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Sniffy Day has gone the way of the Buffalo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There was a brush fire in LA's Griffith Park. But don't worry, it was put out by the tears of actors rejected at an audition hiking nearby.

Croatia versus England will be exciting. It is where they film "Game of Thrones" against where they film "Game of Thrones."

What's the big deal about Stephen Miller? I once threw $80 of sushi away. No, wait, that was $8 of slushies.

Throwing $80 worth of sushi away in a hissy fit from an insult is the most Stephen Miller thing Stephen Miller has done in a long-ass time.

Sarah Palin said she was tricked into an interview with comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. To be fair, tricking Sarah Palin is about as hard as seeing Russia from her house.

Sarah Palin said she was tricked into an interview with comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. What really upset her is Cohen also got Bristol Palin pregnant again.

France defeated Belgium 1-0 to go to the finals. In the end, as awesome as waffles and chocolate are, they're no match for wine and cheese.

He's OK, but George Clooney on his motorcycle hit a car at 60, his helmet cracked the windshield and he flew 20 feet in the air. Clooney said it was the worst experience he has had since he read the reviews for "Batman and Robin."

It is Cow Appreciation Day. Or as they call that in Wisconsin: Date Night.

In Utah, a teacher was caught selling meth from her car. That is shocking. A teacher could afford a car?

He’s OK, but George Clooney's motorcycle hit a car at 60, his helmet cracked the windshield and he flew 20 feet. George described the incident as just as terrifying as the time he dated a woman his age.

France beat Belgium on a corner kick. When there is a set-piece goal, you can almost hear Alexi Lalas pumping the Jergens lotion bottle.

In Utah, a teacher was caught selling meth from her car. The thing about buying meth from a teacher is, if you do not do it right the first time, they make you do it again.

Belgium is playing France in the semi-finals. This game it will be harder to score than a guy who drives a Prius with a Kardashian.

In Utah, a teacher was caught selling meth from her car. Asked to comment, the teacher said, "If you can come up with a better way to keep students awake in Art History, I am all ears."

Porn sites are reporting far less traffic during the World Cup. It seems guys just cannot get in the mood for porn when they constantly hear the word flopping.

A Thai Cave Rescue is like any other cave rescue except with egg noodles and a lot more spice.

George Clooney's motorcycle crash in Italy was serious. He hit the car going 60, his helmet cracked the windshield and he was hurled 20 feet. Clooney said the experience was still preferable to dating a woman his age.

Donald Trump said his meeting with Vladimir Putin will be the easiest of all the European leaders. Well, sure, all Trump has to do is fill out his employee satisfaction survey.

The good news is 12 boys and their coach are out of the cave in Thailand. All that is left is for Donald Trump to tweet how their getting trapped was Hillary Clinton's fault.

It is great they got all 12 boys out of the cave in Thailand, although I cannot say I approve of their method: telling the boys Selena Gomez was waiting for them at the entrance. 

It is hot DC. Donald Trump talked to Melania about Stormy Daniels just for the icy stare.

He’s OK, but George Clooney's motorcycle crash in Italy was serious. He hit the car going 60, his helmet cracked the windshield and he was hurled 20 feet.

IHOP changed their name to International House of Burgers, has gone back to IHOP. Now they are IHOPQ, for questioning.

It is hot in LA, Harvey Weinstein went to a #MeToo meeting just to get the cold shoulder.

He’s OK, but George Clooney was slightly injured in a minor motorcycle accident in Italy. So for two hours, you had it better than George Clooney.

It is so hot in LA, there are reports of people going to see the John Travolta movie, "Gotti," just for the air conditioning.

The 12 soccer players and their coach are free. It was a scary swim. Being soccer players, they were not allowed to use their hands.

It has been so hot in LA, Roseanne Barr went over to Will Smith's house just to get the cold shoulder.

Since you asked:

Well into my eye-guzzling session of “Glow.” Very good. Marc Maron is awesome as the burned-out, coked-up, bitter director. Everyone is good, especially Allison Brie. Big fan of the Allison Brie from her “Funny or Die” pieces. Especially the one with “Bad Dog.” And her boyfriend Dave Franco and Olivia Munn. "What can brown do for you?"   

Love the Hollywood trend of Hollywood playing Hollywood. “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” to “Nobodies,” to "Maron," to “You’re the Worst,” to “Love,” to “Barry.” And "Glow." 

Nothing makes actors happier than playing themselves as actors. Especially if they’re now-rich actors playing themselves as then-broke actors.  

It is remarkable how many actors from all of these shows pop up in all of these shows. And many from “Funny or Die” clips. 

Big shot Hollywood actors, like Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Melissa McCarthy in “Nobodies,” can be great sports about making fun of themselves as long as everyone understands they are being great sports about making fun of themselves.

So bummed "Nobodies" did not get picked up for season three. It is every bit as good as "Barry," but nobody gets shot. That is probably what killed it. 

Monday, July 09, 2018

This just in:

The total is eight boys freed from the Thailand cave, four more to go. People have not been this relieved to see little boys escape since a judge ordered Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch closed.

This also just in, but not as just in as the first one:

Donald Trump will meet Vladimir Putin in Finland in July. Or as Putin is calling it: an employer-employee team-building retreat.