Friday, May 11, 2018

Kim Carnes - Bette Davis Eyes

All lies and jests
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

Thursday, May 10, 2018


You better be sick, dead or mute, Aye-Aye Ron, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

65-year-old Russian president, Vladimir Putin, scored 7 goals in a hockey game comprised of Russian all stars. Now, I don't want to say the goalie did not try to stop Vlad's shots, but I've seen Kardashians reach harder to pick up a book.

I've seen Donald Trump reach harder to pick up a check.

I've seen Melania try harder on date night.

I've seen Sarah Huckabee Sanders try harder to give an informed briefing.

I've seen the Florida Marlins try harder not to suck. 

I've seen Paris Hilton try harder to play hard-to-get.

Dr. Dre lost a trademark case to a gynecologist named Dr. Drai.  So it looks good for LL Cool J’s  song “ Big Ole Butt” to be used as the name of a hemorrhoid medicine.

Wednesday, May 09, 2018

We good as wood should could, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Kansas man was arrested for trying, repeat, trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He was having sex with the tailpipe, but then it backfired on him.

On “Inside the NBA,” Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal got into a heated exchange. Have not seen Charles this mad since Shaq took the last Taco on Taco Tuesday. 

Against the Reds, the New York Mets batted out-of-order. That's like a proctologist trying to give a patient a colonoscopy in their ear.

After years of bitter animosity, a monumental breakthrough has occurred in world wide diplomacy. And besides the end of the Taylor Swift-Katy Perry feud, the North Koreans are releasing three US hostages.

And Then Alexander Wept

Since you asked:

Growing up with an older brother, John, who, in hindsight, had moderate to severe Aspergers syndrome, I had a big hole in my heart where a big brother should have been.

So, like a lot of kids, I filled that role with super big brothers: Daniel Boone, Superman, Batman and eventually sports stars and rock stars. 

So it was with a strange admiration I looked up to the quasi bullies of suburban Chicago who were older. (As played by my younger neighbor, Adam Baldwin in “My Bodyguard") 

The thugs who strutted around in their Army jackets and denim shirts and jeans with jack boots. Also think Judd Nelson’s John Bender in “Breakfast Club.”  

Their thuggery was limited to knocking books out of underclassmen’s hands, maybe stuffing a kid in a locker now and then. They smoked behind the gym, stole bicycles, shoplifted crap from stores and snuck into the movie theater without paying. Sure, there was the occasional pulled fire alarm or vandalism, but it was mostly mild stuff.

Almost quaint youthful hijinks compared to what happens now. 

What surprised me was my admiration of their cockiness. They had swagger. They scared us and they knew it. That must feel absolutely amazing, I thought as a skinny 7th grader with giant braces on my buck-teeth. No lie, I greatly admired these ruffian 8th graders and tough-guy high schooler hoodlums. 

Later I would realize being a bully was just a front to disguise their cowardice, insecurity and unhappiness. (And in two examples, their sexual identity confusion) Most were products of absent fathers, either through divorce or alcohol. Or both.   

One day in the weight room the summer before my Junior year in high school, I had the highest combination of five lifting tests on the football team. 

There were guys who were bigger than me who could bench or squat more, but I had the best all-around score. I was officially The all-around strongest guy on the football team.

(I was a lover, not a brawler, just an aggressive football player. While I never got in a fight outside of sports, nobody on the team wanted to face me in one-on-one blocking drills) 

And the football players were the biggest and toughest people in high school. By far. That made me, on paper, one of, if not the toughest boy in a high school of 4,000 souls. Far beyond what I had dreamed about when I envied the 8th grade and high school thugs. 

And it was a terrible and lonely feeling.

I’m the toughest guy in our high school? Are you kidding? Just a few years ago, I was still sleeping with my stuffed dog Morgy. (Whom I still have, by the way) I cannot be the toughest guy in the high school. There has to be something wrong. 

And then, when he saw there were no more worlds to conquer, Alexander wept. 

Once again, I am being hacked by Russians. Here are my blog's pageviews by country the other day. 

Pageviews by Countries 

Graph of most popular countries among blog viewers
United States
United Kingdom
New Zealand

Tuesday, May 08, 2018

Here Tom Brady unveils his "Magician who performs at Turkish weddings" outfit. Compared to other outlandish Met Gala outfits, the Brady's were less inflated. 

It's prom time. In Florida, that means breaking up with your teacher and asking someone your age to the dance.

Melania Trump's child program is called "Be Best." That is actually short for "Be Best To Go Get Moose And Squirrel."

There was a 4.5 earthquake in Southern California. It was surprisingly strong, it shook Kanye West into a movie theater showing "Roots."

In Odisha, India, a man was mauled to death after trying to take a selfie with a bear. Bad luck he ran into an Odisha Bear. If he had ran into a Chicago Bear, the Bear would have ran three bad plays and punted.

A Colorado woman was arrested when she blew up a 7-Eleven microwave heating up a cup of urine for a drug test. I'm not a urologist, but I'm guessing if that urine blew up, it would not have passed a drug test.

Monday, May 07, 2018

Sniffy Day does not apply to other dogs or robbin’ on a bank in the state of Indiana, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Kansas man was arrested for having sex with the tailpipe of a car. As a result, his Uber passenger only gave him two stars.

A 20-year-old Colorado man has been bitten by a rattlesnake, a bear and a shark. "I'm going to get that little bastard if it's the last thing I do," said Mother Nature.

Melania Trump just pleaded for more compassion and kindness on social media. That's like Kim Kardashian demanding more empathy for slavery.

A Missouri woman arrested for drugs was found to have a pistol in her vagina. This is another case where we can all be glad it was not an AR 15.

Kanye West said slavery was a choice. "What a stupid career move," said the New Jersey school superintendent arrested for pooping on a high school track.

The Chicago Cubs lost to the St. Louis Cardinals in the 14th inning. The Cubs could not have come up with a more painful way to lose without changing their name to the Marlins.

A man in India was mauled to death when he tried to take a selfie with a bear. The bear then became nauseous from eating too much idiot.