Friday, March 02, 2018

I'm walkin' here, I'm walkin' here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A stylist who has made sexual assault charges against Ryan Seacrest had her claims verified by a co-worker. This is shocking. Ryan Seacrest is straight?

Hope Hicks has resigned as White House Communications Director. Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Hope Hicks. Even ISIS is wondering why Trump can’t keep a spokesperson.

“US News & World Report” claims California has the lowest quality of life. This report was by someone who has not seen a weather report in February.

Oprah said she asked god if she should run for president, and god has not answered back. “Hey, it’s the off-season, give me a break,” said Tom Brady.

The CEO of Sea World has resigned. Without his Sea World job, it will be tough for his life to have porpoise. 

The CEO of Sea World has resigned. And instead of a golden parachute, he gets a lifetime supply of sardines.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, just had his security clearance downgraded. In addition, his Costco membership is under review.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, just had his security clearance downgraded. No more Taco Tuesdays in the Situation Room.

The CEO of Sea World has resigned. The sickest part? He is going to work for Red Lobster.

A report claims the biggest reason candidates are not picked for “The Bachelor” is herpes. The biggest reason candidates are picked for “The Bachelor”? Lying about herpes.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

"You did it, baby. The book is excellent, the writing brilliant. You tried to bring kindness to chaos, which was your way. #IllBeGoneInTheDark #MichelleMcNamara"

Despite having a huge excuse not to be, that I cannot get into, I am a big fan of the Patton Oswalt. Today, I found this particularly touching. Inspiring story for anyone who has had to battle their way through the darkness. 

Best beware of the Bad Falquune, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today is National Pancake Day. What a coincidence, because Hope Hicks is about to flip.

Hope Hicks is testifying to the House Intelligence Committee. She’s going to testify to the Intelligence Committee that Eric Trump does not have any.

Due to the Parkland shooting, companies are dropping the NRA like rats from a sinking ship. Today Blockbuster Video dropped the NRA, and they’re not even a company anymore.

Jimmy Kimmel was on “Ellen” and cried during a touching tribute to his son, Billy. Of course, getting Jimmy Kimmel to cry is about as hard as getting Harvey Weinstein to sweat. 

Delta and United are dropping discounts for NRA members following the Parkland shootings. Spirit Airlines did not drop the NRA, but they are charging more to store automatic weapons in the overhead bin.

At the PyeongChang Olympics, they handed out over three condoms a day to athletes. Six condoms a day to those slutty Curlers. 

At a fashion show in Milan, they used drones instead of models to present their purses. These are the first drones to be powered by champagne and cocaine.

The PyeongChang Winter Olympics Closing ceremonies were touching. Particularly that one part where the US men’s hockey team gave the US men’s curling team wedgies. 

Since you asked:

"Marvelous" Marvin Hagler Had a Bearded Doppelgänger Orator 

One of the greatest exercising tips there is was given by one of the Winter Olympic athletes, forget which one. (Might have been my gal, Jessie "Diggin' Dawg" Diggins) 

When you are thinking about bailing-out on your aerobic workout, just do it for ten minutes. Anybody can endure anything for ten minutes, except maybe for watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

After ten minutes you can quit. One of the things it took me forever to learn is that ten minutes of exercise is ten times better than doing nothing. Like many people, I thought if I could not do the whole workout, forget it. 

That is stupid.

Besides, after ten minutes, the worst is over, you’re warmed up and chances are you feel good and will just go ahead and finish your regular workout. 

From time to time, I have been able to get in the habit of getting my aerobic workout in early in the morning. 

When I lived in New York, I would run laps around Washington Square Park (half-a-block from my studio apartment) for three miles or, if really motivated, down and around the (1983) World Trade Center and back for five miles.

What I found out was running in the morning made me feel so good, many times I would work out again in the afternoon. Without planning it, I was doing two-a-days. 

Stopping for a pop, a snort, a stiff one, a bevy, a crotchtail, a bowl of loud-mouth soup, after work on Wall Street in the early ‘80's was almost a given. Not doing it made you antisocial. But bailing on the right of passage is what I would have to do to get a workout in. Running in the morning freed me up to be a friendly coworker.  

One morning, I woke to the usual 5:00 AM darkness to run three miles around Washington Square Park. None of the usual suspects were out running, which surprised me. When I got back, I looked at the clock to discover it was 3:00 AM. Went back to sleep.

That was a stupid and boring story. Why did I mention that? 

How about this? One day running around Washington Square Park, I accidentally stepped on a pigeon. Miraculously, it was OK. 

Hell, that story is almost just as bad.

OK, how about this one: many mornings on my Washington Square run, there was a muscular shirtless - no matter how cold - bald black man with a long beard who resembled boxer Marvin Hagler, who would give a speech on a soap box. One day I stopped to listen to his deep baritone diatribe and, yeah, he was bat-poop crazy.

Then, a year later, I moved from New York to San Diego. Drove to Balboa Park to play on my Shearson Lehman basketball team in the broker league, and who was giving a speech in front of the gym? Crazy Shirtless Marvin Hagler. 

Asked him if he was the guy from Washington Square Park just to be sure, and he was.

The point is, exercise for ten minutes. And try not to waste people’s time with crappy stories of 3:00 AM runs and stepping on pigeons. 

But the Hagler stuff is OK. 

Sunday, February 25, 2018

A Legend in the Booth with Hank Azaria (Gamechangers Ep 3)

In anticipation of celebrating the Olympic Closing Ceremony, two Russian athletes tested positive for Viagra. The weirdest part? They were women.

Ivanka Trump will be at the Winter Olympics Closing Ceremonies. There’s no truth to the rumor the shirtless Tonga guy is missing and Ivanka tested positive for coconut oil.

Porn Star, Stormy Daniels, told TMZ she will not make a Donald Trump parody porn. But they had a title picked out: “Comb-over to My Place.” 

Porn Star, Stormy Daniels, told TMZ she will not make a Donald Trump parody porn. They could not come up with a name. “Beauty and the Beast” has been taken.

Russia, not allowed to compete in the Olympics due to cheating, had athletes deemed clean competing unattached. And yet two Russian athletes still cheated. Which explains the Russian National Motto: Bez truda ne vytaschish. Which translated means: If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

It is the one-year anniversary of discovering an old ship buried in the sands of Santa Barbara. To give you an idea how old the ship is, the name is the USS Larry King.

It is the one-year anniversary of discovering an old ship buried in the sands of Santa Barbara. To give you an idea how old the ship is, it was involved in the 1812 Battle Of the USS Cher.

Since you asked:

As great a story as Estor Ledecka is, the Czech snowboarder who borrowed Mikaela Shiffrin’s skis to win the gold in the Super-G and won gold in the snowboard slalom, it does not bode - or Bode - well for my argument that much of the winter Olympic events may lack depth. 

As I wise-cracked earlier, Estor winning is like a sports photographer running to take a picture of the finish line and winning the gold medal in the 100 meters. 

Less sarcastically, Estor Ledecka’s story is the summer Olympics equivalent of a pole vaulter trying out the 400 meters for fun and winning the gold medal. But in this case, I am willing to give the credit to Estor rather than lack of skier depth.

The depth in regular skiing is no doubt deep. My good friend has a son who is competitive in skiing on the collegiate level and that kid is a great athlete who can flat out fly on skis with no fear.  He spends his summers with the National Junior team skiing in Chili and his winters in Vermont and Mammoth. 

On the other hand, the US has another Estor Ledecka itself in Erin Jackson who was competing despite having never speed skated until four months ago. Obviously Erin is a gifted athlete. But how hard can any sport be if someone is Olympic caliber after doing it four months?

When I was at Long Beach State, we had a German Olympic silver medalist training us in the Decathlon. His silver medal was in the four-man bobsled. Because he, like all decathletes and running backs, had a huge power-to-weight ratio. He was strong as a a bull and could sprint a 4.5 or faster 40 and then his 195 pounds added needed weight going down the run. 

But this German guy was candid about almost being embarrassed about how easy it was to get a bobsled medal. Especially when compared to the competition in the Decathlon. 

(Do not get me started again how the world’s greatest athlete, Decathlete, Ashton Eaton, has two Olympic medals and Michael Phelps has 28. Clearly, Phelps is a great athlete, but a lot of the swimmers I knew in high school, if you threw them a ball, it would hit them in the head) 

It doesn’t take long to listen to the announcer list the current residency of snowboard and skiing half-pipe competitors to figure out they all live within a cheap Uber ride of a halfpipe. And they’re are not that many quality halfpipes in the US. Less in Europe. Most of the competitors are from Mammoth and Park City with a few Steamboat Springs thrown in for fun.

All of the luge, skeleton and bobsled competitors live near a luge/skeleton/bobsled track. Most US competitors near Lake Placid, New York.

Like with the non-stoner events in skiing, downhill, Super-G, Giant Slalom and Slalom, clearly there is also depth in figure skating. All you have to do is look at what these amazing athletes are doing to know they are the cream of a huge crop. 

(What crop results in cream, by the way?)  

On the other hand, some of the winter Olympics events remind me of stuff we invented after school in Winnetka, Illinois, to keep us from being bored. The short track speed skating relay is just a prison break on ice. Slope style skiing and snowboarding had to be invented on a drunken/stoned bet;

“Dude, check it out, after you ride the rails - no, seriously, hand rails are built in on the course - you have to go over one of the jumps backwards. No, stop laughing, I am serious.”

And let’s not forget the rich California girl, Elizabeth Sweeney, who paid her way onto the Hungarian ski team in the halfpipe. One little problem: she can barely ski. Here she is in the Olympics skiing down the center of the halfpipe, no jumps, no turns.

Imagine someone paying their way onto the Hungarian Olympic track team and long jumping 13 feet. 

There are tracks, tennis courts, basketball courts, baseball fields, football fields and swimming pools all over the world. Not so much half-pipes and slope-style runs and bobsled courses. 

Except for rich kids named Cooper and Ashley. 

Now the Biathlon? That is a whole different story. You simply have to admire the guts, guile and sand of anyone who can cross country ski and carry a rifle who has the discipline not to shoot the guy - or gal - in front of them.